Tuesday, January 19, 2010

This Works

So you find yourself, like so many of us, in the middle of an argument (fight) with your significant other. You know that you are “right” and that there is no other position than the one you have taken. Unfortunately, you’re being “right” doesn’t solve the problem. What you need now is a way to say two things at the same time.

There is a way: touch is a fantastic tool. For example, try putting your arms around the significant other and then continue the discussion, or whatever it is. You’ll find that the reassurance of the hug does a great deal to change the tone and feeling of the discussion. It is saying non-verbally, you are part of me and I’m part of you even thought we are tangled in a discussion at the moment. With some of the emotion removed by the reassurance the discussion may not be as damaging.

Even though this method works, as usual it depends on you always being consistent and honest in your relationship. It doesn’t work for those who are apparently untrustworthy. Be trustworthy at all times.

An additional problem: even though you are convinced that you are correct, take into consideration that at one time you thought there was a Santa Claus only to discover that that idea may not be true. So you changed your position on Santa and moved on. In this discussion/fight, you might be incorrect. Consider it. . .there is the possibility that you have overlooked something and your partner is correct.

Being right is valuable. But be certain that you are right before you destroy anything. Listen, ask questions, consider and provide information that you “know to be true.” Keep in mind that communication is a process, just like the rest of your life. Relationships are processes. Treat them like a work in progress and use all your tools: verbal and nonverbal (hugs.)

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