"That's your problem!"

There are several things that many of us use to deflect problems caused by attempts to accurately communicate.  Here are some.

"You know what I meant."
"That's not what I said and you know it."
"It was never my intent to insult anyone."
"That's your problem, not mine."

We forget that each of us is separate and different from the other.  Even with the same parents there are very real differences.  We also imagine that what we are thinking is pretty much what everyone else is thinking.  Even if our thoughts are "in the same ballpark," they can't be the same since we all have different meaning in our minds for nearly everything. This awareness should force us to take great care when our intent has an impact that is not expected.

Some precautions that would be useful to keep in mind from Richard Magid in a useful article about Intent vs. Impact.

"Challenge One: Every message must first pass through the filter of the speaker’s clarity of expression and then through the listener’s ability to hear what is said.
(Opportunity #1 for Intent not to equal Impact)
Challenge Two: We don’t actually know the intentions of the people we communicate with; often times we assume/judge their intentions based on their actions which may cause their words to impact us unfavorably.
(Opportunity #2 for Intent not to equal Impact)
Challenge Three: Good intentions do not sanitize bad impact.
(“Good Communication” - INTENT must = IMPACT)"

So how do we improve the chance that what our intent is creating the proper impact?  Magid points out some solutions.

"First, ask yourself some questions:
- What just occurred?
- How is the outcome different from what I intended/expected?
- Where can I take responsibility?
- How do I clean this up?
Second, take action to clean up mismatches of intent and impact as quickly as you can:
- Be honest about your intention.
- Discuss with the other person, their perspective.
- How could you have handled the communication differently?
- Take responsibility for your actions.
Things to Remember/Action Steps:
• “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.”
• As you communicate with others on a day-to-day basis, strive for Good Communication. Pay attention to the signs that there may be a mismatch between your intent and your impact on a colleague, friend, or someone at home and take immediate action."

Melanie Tannenbaum has some excellent thoughts on what to do about ideas like, "But I didn't mean it!"  First, it would be an excellent plan to assume that sooner or later you will "put your foot in your mouth."  Harm can be done and a thought pattern would be useful.  Tannenbaum says, "So, the point is that we really need to focus on impact, not intent. Was someone hurt by something? Was there a negative outcome? Did someone suffer? If so, that is what’s important. Whether or not the perpetrator meant to cause harm is not."

To say the least, human communication is difficult.  It is worthy of great attention.

Business and Cross-Cultural Communication

Johann Joh explains the potential of problems in communication in this YouTube and some of the considerations that must be made if the stated goals are to be reached.

Cross-Cultural Communication in the Business World

Steve Klemme is a banker and has clients outside the United States.  He has to serve both his corporation and their clients successfully.  Not an easy task, but in this YouTube he gives us an idea of how that can be accomplished.

Another View of Cultural Communication

Dr. Robert Moran talks about high and low context as it directly pertains to language.  This short YouTube should add another dimension to our understanding of culture and communication.

LIstening: TED Talk

This speaker says a great deal in just over 7 minutes that can be of value to all of us.  Julian Treasure, the speaker, thinks we are losing our ability to listen.  He may be right.  Watch this and of course, listen.

Listening

There is great safety in listening.  Fights can be avoided, opportunities seized, friendships built, raises obtained and many other benefits.  Below is a re post discussing listening which is fitting at this time.

(First posted in April 17, 201. There are many articles published on listening and much can be learned.  Skillful listening is critical to success in reaching our goals.)

Much of the time we confuse hearing and listening. They are different. Hearing is something that many of us can do with varying capabilities. Some need hearing aids and some can hear sounds that are well in excess of the "normal range." Almost none of us are willing to concede that our hearing is something that we should always protect. Aging robs even those who can hear well. How well you can hear makes a difference. If you can't hear the subtleties of pronunciation then you can't include them in your conversation. If those subtleties are necessary for the proper understanding of what you are saying, then you have a problem.

Listening is much more complicated. It includes the attributes of hearing and much more. As mentioned in the book "Communication: Principles for a Lifetime," listening involves such things as:
1. Selecting certain stimuli out of all the stimuli around us. Not only what is apparently being "said" but how it is being "said."
2. Focusing on a particular stimulus or message. The ability to block out stimuli while paying careful attention to specific stimuli.
3. Assigning meaning to messages. Your meaning, of course, but more importantly what "they" mean.
4. Recalling information(stimuli)that has been communicated. There are barriers here that are often ignored.
5. Responding or confirming your understanding of a message. Now you're in a position to "say" something.

The barriers need some thought. There are many and here is a brief list.
1. Rest: the ability to concentrate on everything that is being "said" verbally and non-verbally over a period of time takes energy. After long periods of listening you really should be tired. Don't confuse physical and mental exercise. They both require effort.
2. Health: clearly, if you are sick, concentration is not a reasonable expectation. All you really want to do is get well, then maybe you can concentrate.
3. Physical fitness: in order to have a reserve of energy you must be physically fit and able to think and concentrate over a period of time.
4. Freedom from stress: if you're having personal problems anywhere in your life it makes listening a very difficult task.
5. Drug free: legal or not, anything that affects your abilities think, focus, recall and respond to what is being "said" will get in the way.

Listening is not simple or easy. The more we know about it the better the chances are that we will be able to listen. The question is, "To whom are we listening?" The list is really long, but some that may hit close to home are: children, spouse, parents, grand-parents, friends, fellow employees, supervisors, officials of all kinds and the list goes on.

Listening is central in many ways to being able to reach your personal goals. In addition, those who can listen well are able to help those around them making improvements to the lives of those around them. Listening is really important.

Know What You Are Saying

Over coffee recently, we discussed how conversations are encouraged and how useful they are.  This statement was made; "You seem to know everything about the folk around here." From the question you might not be certain how to take it: negatively or positively

At first the comment was taken as negative: as in nosy, prying, pushy.  The reaction was a quick denial.   "These people just wanted to talk and I listened."  A third party chimed in and said , "People don't just stop me so they can talk", so it wasn't just the fact that these people just wanted to talk. You must have said something. It was accepted that there must have been some sort of "solicitation"  to converse.

After considerable discussion, denials, accusations and disbelief it finally boiled down to two things. First, we all agreed that it was not negative ask questions. The defensive statement was reasonable saying, "Of course I ask questions.  That's how conversations are maintained."  And that is true.  In addition, if you are just a face with no apparent interest in what is being said the conversation will be short or nonexistent. 

We often ignore the nonverbal aspect of communication. If you look like someone who might "know", folk will ask you.  If you look like someone who is as lost as anyone else, why would they ask? Some of us appear to be open to a conversation and some of us less so. When you are apparently open to a conversation you are much more likely to find yourself in a conversation.

Keep in mind, it is impossible to avoid communicating.  Ask yourself, what am I saying?  Don't forget that communication is irreversible.

Words Are Important

We often hear folk say, "Talk is cheap."  In many ways, that is correct.  But, it tempts us to ignore the power of words.  Take a look at this example found on YouTube and you'll get another impression of the power of words. 

The more we think about what we say and how we say it the better off we all will be.

Goals Give Life Direction

(Originally posted in 2011 and continues to be an important concept everyday we are alive.)

 

As we examine important goals in our lives I think it will become clear that we all want to . . .

1.  Live with the person of our choice.
2.  Live in the community of our choice.

3.  Work at the job of our choice.

4.  Work at the level of our choice.

5.  Work at the pay of our choice.

None of us would like to have some person or agency assign us a place to live.  Instead, what we want to do is live where we want to.  That has the best chance of happening if you are skilled at communication.  In order to live in a community we have know about the place and then have a way to support ourselves in that community.  Once we have selected the community and moved in, changes occur that may or may not suit you.  The one constant in communication is change. 

In order for any community to stay “on course”, those who live there must use their best skills to keep the community on track.  You want the best possible schools for your children, the safest movement of traffic, good clean water, etc. These things don’t just happen.  They are shaped and adopted because of the people who live there.  Since you are going to be one of them, you have responsibilities to make sure that the community succeeds.  Most communities deteriorate because they are allowed to.  The best way to destroy an effective community is to do nothing.

In this case, “doing,” means acquiring information through communication, processing the information and then attempting to apply the result to your community.  Verbal and nonverbal communications are basic to the process.  The larger the community is the greater the need for groups of people to successfully communicate.  When this coalition works there is the best possible chance that you can describe the community as successful.

(Don’t forget that throughout this community improvement process it is critical that you continue to use your communication skills to build your interpersonal relationships.  The need for that process never dies.)

Small changes in a community can drastically change the community.  For example, if those who are very influential to the maintenance of the community move away, the entire process may falter and leave the community in shambles.

Where you live will inevitably affect where you work.  This affect will influence your ability to achieve the “job of your choice.” In addition, your effectiveness in the community of your choice may affect your professional position.  It is nearly impossible to separate your life into non-overlapping units.  Keep in mind, you may be the best person for any job, but if those hiring don’t know you exist you won’t get hired.  The process of informing the world who you are never stops.

Basic Assumptions

 None of us asked to be alive.  We didn’t order the body we live in, we didn’t order the brain we live with, we didn’t request the sex we are, we didn’t request the parents we have . . .in fact we simply became aware of our existence.  When born we are basically a brain and little else.  When we are old we find ourselves in the same position.  We are mostly brain and when very young or old, there is less that we can physically accomplish. It should be noted that our senses and bodies allow our brain to increase its understanding of things around us.  That makes our bodies an extension of the brain.

In between, human beings tend to become distracted from the care and training of their brain into other less important areas that are basically short lived. When we are born we spend a great deal of our lives learning language and understanding communication.  We are not overly concerned about running a marathon or how physically attractive we are.  It’s just the joy of being alive and being with those whose language we speak, that is central to us.  We come full circle: when we are old we are not overly concerned about running a marathon or how physically attractive we are.  It’s again the joy of being alive and with those whose language we speak that is central to us.

In between, we often become confused about what is important and why. We feel an obligation to fulfill the expectations of others in a huge array of areas that have little or nothing to do with the joy we once felt.  In most cases, our successes following the wishes of others are fleeting and we are frustrated. 

Our best asset is our brain.  Our brain works most of the time well enough to allow us to keep up with those around us.  Some seem to have quicker wits and others slower.  But, when we work to improve the brain we have, we often find that things go better for us in general. 

One big problem we all have is to effectively communicate with others.  That is the biggest single reason we need to spend as much time and energy improving our brain and its ability to communicate.  The reason is simple: most things that we accomplish in life are through the cooperation of groups of people. 

We are built brick by brick, moment to moment, by communication.  We see what others do and say and we adopt it. They are an integral part of our growth and development.  If others are building us and we are in turn building others, communication should become one of the most important areas of concentration we have. It should be clear that we are building our future as well as those around us.  A sense of community is basic to our success.

Data Continues to be Important

People often make statements and provide no clue as to how they arrived at their position.  If no data is provided we might say that they are leaning heavily on ethos, in other words, their reputation.  They appear to be informed, have a position and folk have come to believe that what they say is probably accurate, because of their ethos. (Ethos--what to others we appear to be.)

Pankaj Ghemawat, an economist, has been studying the cross-boundary activities of people in an attempt to better understand the extent to which our planet has become borderless.  His findings are very interesting and they run counter to the ideas presented in the best seller book written by the New York Times columnist Thomas Friedman, The World Is Flat: A Brief History of the Twenty-first Century.  The book is popular and has contributed extensively to the idea that the world is becoming borderless and therefore is flat. 

Watch and listen to Ghemawat as he presents data that indicates that we indeed have boarders and that thinking that we don't may be impeding our progress to important world solutions.

It Makes A Difference

Here is another TED Talk that deals with nonverbal communication and its impact on you as well as others.  It is worth your time and focus.

Persuasion

The Problem

There is a general feeling that clever people who know "the tricks" can persuade a person to do almost anything.  The odd part is, that we ourselves do not feel that we can persuade anybody to do anything.  We feel weak and powerless.  If this is how you feel, then a change in point-of-view may be in order: view yourself from a positive point-of-view. Think about persuasion this way.  When was the last time someone actually "persuaded" you to do something you really didn't want to do?  Let's say you did change your behavior.  Did you resolve in your mind to reform your life?  Or, more likely, did you act as if you were changed, but at the earliest opportunity you continued to do what you wanted to do? What if you are the one expected to persuade others?

There are times when all of us want to be able to change the world.  Sometimes an assignment from your boss requires that there must be changes and you were chosen to "make the changes happen." In order to do that, we have to change people.  Once the assignment has been accepted what should be happening to your thought patterns.

The intent of the following is a short guide to use when you have been assigned to "persuade your clients" to make a change. This is not a simple assignment, and your boss wants results. When we attempt to change people we run into some massive problems.  Here are some things to consider.

We Are Built Over Time

Most of us have positions which we have developed over time. These positions seem to work for us and those that we travel with are often in agreement.  Indeed, those we travel with us helped to create and maintain those positions. We learn things and use them.  We learned them in the past and we use them currently.  So we have a tendency to "live in the past."

When faced with a problem it might require that we change our positions in order to solve the current problems.  But, the impact of that change can be huge.  It may require rebuilding whole sections of our position and when we are done, we may not be happy.  That makes changes hard for all of us.  We discover, compare, become uncomfortable with our old position and reluctantly make changes to our carefully constructed positions.

In addition, those we travel with are accustomed to us and our positions. Since they helped to build and maintain our positions they may share a great deal with us.  When we alter our positions that may not be comfortable for them.  That may cause them to change their behavior toward us and now they will very likely make us uncomfortable as well. These changes can affect every aspect of your life.  If positions are working now, why take a chance and make changes.  Because as conditions change or we become aware of conditions which do not fit our solutions, we are forced to adjust. With these thoughts in mind, let's show a little respect for any and all attempts to change those around us.

What Are Positions?

When discussing positions they usually fall into these categories: attitudes, beliefs, values and behaviors. Moms and dads lay the foundation for most of them.  Life experiences and other people tend to round out these positions over time. Educational institutions tend to fill in gaps and round out what moms and dads are doing and have done.

We are often very upset when any of our positions must be altered. The key word there is "we." We do the changing and others often take the credit or the blame.  But change happens.  Given that we do the changing and you want me to change what can you do or say that will change me. We are not blank slates waiting for someone or something to write on, we come with answers to questions built in. Instead, as Jonah Lehrer says in Why We Don't Believe in Science, "we come equipped with all sorts of naive intuitions about the world, many of which are untrue."

When anyone tries to change you they are doing something that may be, and in fact is likely unwelcome. Lehrer reports that; "This means that science education is not simply a matter of learning new theories. Rather, it also requires that students unlearn their instincts, shedding false beliefs the way a snake sheds its old skin."  

Why Change

A question we might be expected to ask is, "What reason do I have to believe that my parents are stupid and that they have lied to me in my youth?" And internal status is much more than parents and family.  It is all those people with whom we have been traveling.  There is a great deal we have come to "understand and believe" over the years. When you begin the process of "position change" it isn't only what you do to yourself, but what others will think of you since they may not be making the same change. As a result, not changing your position is easier than making the change.

Stable attitudes, beliefs, values and behaviors are desirable and useful to society and to us.  When those elements shift a great deal of adjustment is required by all involved.  Things are said: "We haven't done much with the Smiths lately.  They're off trying out some harebrained ideas." "I haven't talked to Bob in months.  He's gone off the deep end politically."  "I would love to have them over, but I don't know what they can or can't eat." "I don't know what's going on there.  I don't think he even goes to church anymore."

So, if your assignment is, "Persuade them that this is the most desirable course of action for everyone," you may be in for a difficult time. What should you do?  First, acquire data.  In fact we all should create a data mining process that will expose us to pivotal data.  That can't come from a single source, such as a network, newspaper, person or book. Make it generally agreed upon dependable sources. Look at the news about the United States as published in several foreign newspapers, for example. Don't depend on MSNBC or Fox to tell you what is going on here. The data alone may be enough to start the process of change.  

Data Should Be the Key

Present the data in clear, easy to recall packages that have immediate application. Use critical thinking in the arrangement of the data and its presentation.

Critical thinking: "Critical thinking is the intellectually disciplined process of actively and skillfully conceptualizing, applying, analyzing, synthesizing, and/or evaluating information gathered from, or generated by, observation, experience, reflection, reasoning, or communication, as a guide to belief and action. In its exemplary form, it is based on universal intellectual values that transcend subject matter divisions: clarity, accuracy, precision, consistency, relevance, sound evidence, good reasons, depth, breadth, and fairness." 

Two of these terms carry heavy loads: reasoning and communication.  When you have someone's attention you need to supply data and in a reasonable way.  Good data poorly reasoned is ignorable.  Good data well reasoned and delivered is valued and remembered. Good data, well reasoned and carefully organized is easier to follow and recall.  Now those you seek to change can use what you have supplied to make changes in their position.

What To Do

If your presentation does not ask for a position change, you are probably making an instructional/informational presentation. If the position change requested can be avoided by your audience or you, it will be thought of as an option: interesting but not worthy of a change in course. At this point your temptation will be to think of "them" as being stubborn, ignorant, unwilling to change and controlled by the status quo. Keep in mind that you have likely been working on changes in your own positions and you  don't think of yourself in those terms. 

Here are some ideas that should help you during the process of attempting to change people. First, who are you?  Know yourself.  Examine your position and how it came to be. Understand it's usefulness and drawbacks. Balance fact and belief based positions and sort out those that are fact based. (There is no suggestion here that beliefs are not valuable.  They are, but often they are not fact based.) Do you hold positions with which you are currently uncomfortable? Ask your yourself why you haven't changed your position and what it would take to make you change.  When you have managed to make the change does your original position make it's presence known in various ways? Do you feel free and easy with the new position in all circumstances? If not, what would it take to be free of the old position and wholly unconcerned about the new position?

Second, who do "they" think I am?  Do they know you and if so within what context. Do they think you can reliably supply useful data that they can trust and use? What do they believe your motive to be?

Third, who are" they"?  Do they feel the "need" for change? Are they comfortable with their position and feel balanced? Are they curious and driven by the need to push back ignorance? If not, then you may be attempting to affect change while they are merely curious. Not even careful scientists are able to always push back ignorance and often finding themselves defending positions they hope are true.

Fourth, who do they think they are?  Do they "know that they are right" and have a comfortable widely accepted position?  Do they already "know" and feel little or no need to gather more data?  If that is their position, You have almost no chance to aid them in making position changes. Probably the safest thing to do is create a feeling of "unbalance" with their current position so that they will listen and look for a way to resolve the feeling of unbalance.

If you have no choice and must continue the attempt to aid "them" to make a change in their position there may be some things possible. First, find a way to catch and hold their attention.  Second, establish your credibility or believability.  Let them know that you can actually be trusted to provide what they will need to make safe and dependable position changes. Third, create conflict between the data they are learning and hopefully trusting and the position they currently hold. That would be the unbalance that they will need to resolve. Show them a way to resolve the conflict quickly, properly and effectively with a minimum of damage to their current position and this will help them to regain their balance. Make the data as easy to store and recall as possible.

Fourth, suggest solutions to problems that will naturally arise as a result of their position change. Remember, those problems will be both internal and external.  If the conflict you create is too great they may just ignore your data.  If it seems to be resolvable, then they may suppress the old position leaving the new position in a dominate position.

Do not attempt to expunge the old position. In any case, they won't be able to do that, but they might be able to live comfortably eventually with the new position. Don't attempt to prove you are "right." That means that they and all their friends and relatives are "wrong" and that may be just too much.  Instead, encourage them to view the data as being the most important element.  Encourage them to gather even more data than you have presented and to accept the fact that positions should be processes, not fixed truths. Admit to them that life is a process and that processes mean change and since it is inevitable constantly digging data and using critical thought is the best hope for us all.

Technology and the Future

Communication, we've all heard, is really important. "Andrew McAfee studies the ways that information technology (IT) affects businesses, business as a whole, and the larger society." In this TED Talk, which is short, very informative and humorous, he is looking into the future from the point of view that technology may be taking our jobs from us.  The answer is, of course, technology is taking away our jobs and that is going to continue into the future.  We just don't know what the impact might be in the long run.  This presentation may help to focus on the important things around us.

People and Brains

We've discussed the fact that people are first of all brains, and everything else is added to that over time.  Slowly science is gaining insights into what the brain is doing and why and this TED Talk is particularly interesting and will add to your insight into how brains, yours and others, seem to work.

Tools You Should Use

Your boss has the job of keeping things in balance.  That simply means that his/her job is to maintain or control the costs of doing business.  You, as an employee, are one of the costs of doing business.  If you want a raise and the response is "that is not in the budget now," you should assume that is normal.  How can you change that reaction?

If your boss asks you to speak somewhere as a representative of the business you should do it.  Prepare, accept the confidence placed in you, provide a "leave behind" for your audience and provide your audience with something they need and that they can use.  When you are finished, allow them to pick up your "leave behind," which should include copies of the slides you used and a cover sheet that contains your contact information. 

When the audience returns to their work place they may provide to human resources or their boss the name, or names of folk that might make good additions to the business.  If you in turn are asked to consider a position in another business, they may offer you more in total value than you are currently getting.  If they do, because of the cover sheet (networking) you have an option that you can use to "allow" your boss to counter and therefore provide you with the raise that otherwise you would never have been offered.  That's what we mean when we say, "Work at the pay of your choice."

Stage Fright

It is generally agreed that we all prone stage fright.  That it has an impact on us is clear. We have a tendency to rank it very high among life's concerns.  Yet, without clearly coordinated efforts people accomplish so much less.  Human beings have been able to accomplish so much because they have found ways to work together. One of the best methods for us to join forces with one another is through spoken communication.  Speeches are common, because the message is delivered to many at one time, and they can be powerful.  Here are a few links that may be useful to you.

First, a short, helpful and clear article by Olivia Mitchell about "5 tips for overcoming stage fright."
Mitchell points out that the point of the speech is the audience.  The sooner we learn and practice that the better off we will be. 

Second, a Forbes article written for those in the business community who also experience stage fright.  The title, "How can I get over stage fright," should assure you that this is something that we all have in common.

Third, a slightly longer piece that looks at stage fright from a different point of view.  Gary Guwe points out that we all want to be over those elements of stage fright that make us less effective in the world we live in.  The article, "Fear Busters--10 Tips to Overcome Stage Fright," won't take much time and it will add to your understanding that stage fright is common and folk just like us learn ways to overcome its problems.


Here is another point of view to aid you in working through stage fright. Imagine that you are a missionary.  You have a message to deliver and you are absolutely convinced that this message is of great importance to others as it has been to you.  You are willing to risk everything to get that message to those people.  It never occurs to you that you might make a mistake in the process or even die. The message is so important that everything else fades in comparison.  How you look, grammatical errors that you make, mispronunciations or any other mistake you might make are clearly unimportant.  All that is important is the message you are compelled to share. 

If you have the mind set of the missionary, there won't be much concern for yourself and a huge concern for the audience.  That is a very strong position to have when you are standing up in front of an audience. 

Check It Out Before Using It

This is better late than never.  Life isn't easy or simple.  We have to think and work much of our time to avoid making even simple errors.  Here are some tools to help us avoid pitfalls.  This information is available many places and what reminded me most recently was an article in The Costco Connection: "Won't get fooled again."

Even if you think that you are correct. . .take the time to check it out before you use it.  Here are some ways to do that.

1.  The University of Pennsylvania carefully examines statements that are being presented as if they are true.  They can aid you in this sorting process.  http://www.factcheck.org

2.  The foundation owned and operated newspaper, The Tampa Bay Times won a Pulitzer Prize for its examination of claims and they share with everyone.  http://www.politifact,com

3.  The Washington Post attempts to check information they come in contact with and they share with everyone.  http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/fact-checker

4.  The New York Times checks out claims and points out those that mislead.  http://www.urbanlegends.about.com

5.  This site debunks myths.  Really valuable.  http://www.snopes.comhttp://www.snopes.com

6.  If you're looking for candidates that reflect what you believe, this is your tool.  http://www.votesmart.orghttp://www.votesmart.org

There are those that say we shouldn't trust the main stream media.  They are not incorrect, but they don't go far enough.  Trust what your efforts to exercise critical thinking produces.  These tools should make your job quicker and easier.

Nonverbal Communicaiton

Recently, I was reviewing some of the things published in 2008.  This brief discussion of nonverbal communication fits our situation today just fine.  In all honesty we should spend far more time paying attention to what we are saying to others all the time with our nonverbal behavior.  The other side of the coin, we should make steady progress in improving our skills at understanding the nonverbal communication of those around us. When applied to our interpersonal relationships it should occur to us that our meaning maybe/is different from those around us.

"How many times do I have to tell you that I love you?" One of the things we should examine is, "Why is this person asking over and over again do you love me?" There are several possible reasons.

Instead of letting your frustration burst out, think about what they are saying or at least what you think they are saying. They may be saying that, "If you really loved me you would be around more often and longer." They could also be saying, "I hear what you say to me, but I don't hear an adequate explanation why you can love me." Probably the first of these two explanations is the most important.

The reason is simple: time. Time and your use of it says a huge amount about who you are and what you value. People spend most of their time doing what they prefer to do. When they aren't spending time the way they want to, they usually complain loud and long. If you love someone and you don't choose to spend time with them, then they have a right to wonder about your real feelings."

There are other reasons of course, but we should pay careful attention to our use of time. We are saying things to our boss, friends, children and spouse by our use of time, even when we think we've got it covered with words.

Keep in mind the question, "What am I communicating to myself and others?" It may aid you in the process of making a decision about what to do. Are you telling yourself that since you know why you're doing what you're doing your significant other will understand? Are you certain you know how they will interpret your nonverbals with the same interpretation you have? And keep in mind, time is part of nonverbal communication.  How are you making use of it to underscore what you intend to say to those you love, or even work for?

Communication Defined: a beginning

 This is not an easy definition. It appears to be an easy definition and that is one of the biggest problems we have to face. Outstanding minds have wrestled with this problem for years. This is what George Bernard Shaw had to say about it.

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”

There is some sort of expectation involved in the communication process. "I said it and I expected them to . . ." and here you can fill in your own thought. When you ask for something concrete like, "Please pass the salt," and you get the salt you have evidence that something took place: communication. What about areas that are distant or more abstract and what you expected doesn't happen. Then the assumption is that communication didn't occur.

Shaw's observation is very evident every day in most of our lives. We assume that what we have said is understood in the way we intended and that certain specific result will occur. When things don’t turn out the way we expected them to, we assume that there has been a failure to communicate.

If you have power and authority and you "know you are perfectly clear" in your communication then you risk the assumption that communication has taken place. That can lead to fights, hurt feelings, war, and lots of negative things. Be cautious about assumptions and don't allow illusions to mess up your life.

Unfortunately, communication occurs.  In fact, we cannot not communicate.  We communicate all the time.  Our communication is evaluated all the time.  It is not possible to avoid communicating and there is a reaction . . .even if we are unaware of it.  What we would really like is that when we attempt communication, we always get the intended result. 

If we define communication as “the perfect reproduction of your idea in another mind,” that is impossible. Everything about us was created by the sum of all our heredity and environment and since those vary from person to person, not even the words we use will have identical meanings.

This presents us with a difficult task. Since our experiences and language do not completely overlap, even in the closest of relationships, we need to take special precautions during our communication attempts. Put another way: say it over and over again using different words and actions. After a period of time they will begin to understand what you mean when you say, "I love you."

On the other side, if you really want to hear "I love you" from that special person your temptation will be to apply your meaning of those words to what they have said. Take it easy and slow down. Determine over time what the word love means to them. If we would take the time to experience how the other person means in general, we would have a much better idea of what they are actually saying.

This puts "whirlwind" relationships of all kinds in to a safe perspective. Move, but move with caution and many words and actions. That way you will have a better idea of who they are and they will have a better idea of who you are.

In their book, Communication: Principles for a lifetime, Beebe, Beebe and Ivy provided a workable definition for communication. “ . . .communication is the process of acting on information." You know something and you share it with someone. They hear what you say and they act on it in some way. Those of us who are effective think about our communications so that we can achieve our goals.

With such a broad definition you have to believe that the whole subject of communication must be very broad indeed. It is. Everything that you do and much of what you choose not to do is used by others determine something about who you are and what you stand for. We often try to deny that we can be so easily read, but the fact is that we read others just as well and move in their direction if what we see is congenial. So we say that communication is inescapable. In addition, it is irreversible. Once the idea is planted in another mind, there is nothing short of trauma that can remove it. That's why our mothers told us to always "put your best foot forward."

When you combine several elements of communication together, such as email, phone calls, observed actions, the impact of the communication becomes very complicated. Our communication, intended or not, takes on a life of its own and we are largely powerless to amend it. It is irreversible.

Communication should take up a very large portion of our energy everyday. It is the basic tool with which we build our lives and professions. Done carefully it will greatly aid us in achieving our goals. Done poorly, we will find ourselves saying things like, "I don't know what she sees in him? I'm at least as capable as he is."

Communication is the creation of an idea that is in your mind, in the mind(s) of others. This definition is one that we will follow.  It is general and so is communication.  It implies process and so does communication.  It implies intent and so does communication. It implies context and so does communication. 

General: anything and everything that can be used to communicate impacts the effectiveness of the message. One of the most important is time and its impact on the message.

  Process: you bring your current position in life to the message and so does the recipient.  These positions are constantly shifting and changing which impacts the message.

Intent: is likely to be persuasive.  I want you to like me, trust me, travel with me, live with me, etc.  Unbiased information for its own sake is extremely difficult. This is one of many limitations human beings have.

Context: you were conceived, born, raised in a family, in a community, during specific time periods and those all differ from other person’s backgrounds. This impacts culture, language, experiences and life in general. 

Communication merits much of our attention all our lives.  It should not be relegated to some little visited area of our mind unless we are forced to give a speech or introduce someone.

 (Much of the content of this blog appeared in September of 2010.)