Networking

We often think of the importance of communication and achievement of personal goals, but forget that one of those goals is employment. Employment is more than a way to pay the bills or should be. It should be an expression of what you want to do with your life and the contribution you want to make to those around you.

We sometimes call that networking. Networking as I'm using the term and according to Wikipedia, is “Communication with and within a group; "You have to network if you want to get a good job". This should be a powerful, useful and continually used tool in our everyday lives. Why it isn't may be the subject of several books you should be writing. For now, let it be said that there almost seems to be a barrier between us and others when it comes to providing others with vital information about us that others really need in order to make reasonable decisions about us.

The task then is to communicate: 1) about who we are, 2) what we have done, 3) what we would like to do, and 4) where we would like to do it. We can do that verbally, by telling people that we come in contact with and we can do it nonverbally by doing the things that represent your life goals. Keep in mind that nonverbal communication is more believable that verbal communication, so you really need to demonstrate interest and enthusiasm for the goals you claim.

Remember reciprocity: I'll show you mine if you'll show me your's. Its only fair and it will create a “network' of folk who will be happy to help you out, because by helping you they are in fact helping themselves. Over time, these elements in your network will become friends or at least friendly.

Verbally, voice and in writing: cards, letters, notes, conversations, etc. remind folk of your goals. Nonverbally never stop working toward your goal. Don't hide, but work right out in front of everybody. The worst thing that can happen to you is that you'll fail. Failure is just another aspect of life and we do survive failures after all. Find ways to leave reminders of you and your goals with people you come into contact with. Include contact information: how do they reach you, where do you live and failing that who knows your contact information?

When you help others, make certain that they know all your contact information. When those you've helped are asked about how they were able to accomplish their tasks, most of them are happy to tell you about the “people” they have and know.

Relationship Values

Once you have established a relationship that you value, why would you ignore it allowing it to dissolve? Most of us wouldn't. On the other hand, most of us haven't looked at what it takes to maintain a relationship in the first place.

First, let's look at what it takes to build the relationship since that is what we hope to maintain, in fact build upon. Imagine a couple, they see each other and they notice a wide range of things: activities, goals, personal awareness as well as other awareness. We like all those things. They apparently feel the same way about you. Fact is, both of you spend a great deal of time together and find out about one another. Put another way, each allows the other to build a representation of themselves in their mind. This is the person that they will carry with themselves over their lifetime. Of course it will need to be updated and revised since each of us is a work in progress and subject to constant change.

Second, there is never a time when you aren't building a “you” in their mind. (You cannot, not communicate.) Since the building process is time and energy consuming you are either building a stronger and better relationship or their “image of you” is fading (dying). If it took time and energy to build the relationship you will have to spend time and energy to continue the process. Somehow, we have come to believe that once established it is like a sturdy building and will be there forever. That will eventually lead to fights, affairs, diverging interests and divorce.

So what is the most likely answers to this problem? 1) Recognition that life and relationships are processes and the process is only finished when one of you dies. 2) If you hope to build on similar interests and goals you will have to spend the time and energy necessary to pursue interests together, try new and different things together, and continue to repeat the shared interests that brought you two together in the first place. 3) If you are spending more time with a professional colleague than you are with your significant other, then it is very likely that the person and environment that you're building in your mind will be in conflict with the world you built with your significant other. It just may be true that “When you're away from the one you love, you love the one you're near.”

An excellent reason for early and continual discussions about personal and professional goals and how they should, or should not be pursued. An excellent reason for selecting a profession that will allow you to maintain what you have so painstakingly created over an extended period of time. An excellent reason to recognize that it may not really be possible to do anything to which you set your mind.

Nonverbal

“How many times do I have to tell you that I love you?” One of the things we should examine is, “Why is this person asking over and over again do you love me?” There are several possible reasons.

Instead of letting your frustration burst out, think about what they are saying or at least what you think they are saying. They may be saying that, “If you really loved me you would be around more often and longer.” They could also be saying, “I hear what you say to me, but I don’t hear an adequate explanation why you can love me.” Probably the first of these two explanations is the most important.

The reason is simple: time. Time and your use of it says a huge amount about who you are and what you value. People spend most of their time doing what they prefer to do. When they aren’t spending time the way they want to, they usually complain loud and long. If you love someone and you don’t choose to spend time with them, then they have a right to wonder about your real feelings.

In our society there are several things that attempt to make demands on our time: work/professional, pursuit of pleasures, use of available time if there is any. The first use of time is important in our middle American culture. There is a fairly strong temptation for us to think that work and professional lives are important. In fact, in many cases, the work loads of many Americans makes their interpersonal relationships difficult. This may force us to make ethical decisions about how we want to live our lives. Is it about your career or is it about you family/significant other?

In the pursuit of pleasures we may be abusive to those we think we love the most. Even if non-professional time should pop up, do we seek to spend it with those we love, or do we pursue pleasures that may be self-centered. Think about time and how you use it. It is an extremely important device for saying things to people around. Make certain that you are saying what you intend to say by your use of time.

Keep in mind that nonverbal is more believable than verbal. Both are necessary.

Words Well Chosen

“The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.” That thought passed on to us by Mark Twain tells us something we’ve told ourselves a thousand times: “Next time, think before you open your mouth.”

We often confuse the brief pause that should precede a thoughtful response with ignorance rather than intelligence. The first thing we need to do is put our childhood competition to be fastest at everything behind us and adopt a different pattern—think before you speak. Several things will then be possible.

1) Who are they?
2) What did they say?
3) What are the most likely possibilities they are talking about?
4) Why are they talking about that now?
5) Why are they talking to me about that?
6) What are the possible things I could say?
7) What would be the best way to say them to this person?

Your brain with a bit of practice can handle all of that very quickly. Then when you open your mouth, it is less likely that you will simply insert your foot. You need to persuade your brain that brief pauses are not indications of stupidity. Indeed, it is quite the opposite. That pause should you the opportunity to decide what needs to be said and give you a pretty good idea of how best to say it.

One last question could/should be added to the list above. Ask appropriate questions before you respond. Be certain that you know what is being discussed. Remember, your brain may still be in the mode if was just moments before this new situation came up. It could be that your brain will interpret what is being said in light of what you have been thinking rather than the new context. Relax . . .take your time and avoid putting your foot in your mouth as often.

Reframing Is Good

If something in your background doesn’t make you pause and then at times withdraw, you are the exception. These seemingly small events in our lives can reshape it if we’re not aware and careful. One of the tools for moving past thes “unfortunate experiences” is useful. To reframe an experience may save you a great deal of grief.

In the book Communication: Principles of a Lifetime, by Beebe, Beebe and Ivy, the authors remind us that what it means to reframe. “Try to look at experiences and events, especially those that can cause you to lose self-esteem, from a different point of view. Keep the larger picture in mind, rather than focusing on one isolated, negative incident.”

For example, someone asked you to speak at an event and for one reason or another you feel to this day that the event was terrible and damaging to you. It makes no difference that you were only 14 years old and that probably nobody remembers what happened but you. You’re not about to put yourself into a position where you could cause yourself that much pain again.

Reframe—think about your life. Have there been positive changes in the way you live and think? Have you done things that other folk admire and wish that they could do as well? What have your friends said about the event and the progress you have made in life? Review the things you’ve learned. What did you wish you had done? Have you attempted even when alone in the shower to do the things of which you’ve thought? Do you believe that given the same circumstance as you had before you could now do it better than you did?

Are you willing now to think about what you wish you had done and then practice. What you will find is that you end up giving yourself a break (and who deserves one any more than you do) and you’ve made progress toward broadening your abilities. At least you should be able to reframe the situation so that you can see that you do indeed have the ability necessary and that you are much better prepared now to handle this type of situation.

A Two-Way Street

Communication is a two-way street and our goal should be to make maximum use of communication. When we feel better (increased self-esteem) because of something said to us we need to be ready to help those around us with how they feel (increased self-esteem). As we must admit, we find out about who we are from those we travel with. That is the reason we should change our friends as soon as we realize that those “friends” are not committed to positively building you into what you can be.

It is only reasonable that we in turn search for and take advantage of every opportunity to build our friends up. Not to be confused with saying things that aren’t true in an effort to build them in the direction we would like. It has got to be a really evil person about which you can find nothing good to say. Travel with good people and make them better because they are traveling with you. You will be building a relationship that should last a lifetime. You will be better than you could have been without them and so will they.

Relationships are ever so much more than “You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.” It is very likely the most important work you will do during your life.

Friendship

This is seemingly a simple concept. But, like the word love it is abstract and has many possible definitions. Friends are important because they provide us with balance when we need it, insight when we must have it, support when we might give up, and belief in our value when even we may have lost it and it never ends. Friends are forever.

This definition is attributed to Aristotle: a friend is “a soul that resides in two bodies.” A friend is an individual that knows you and wouldn’t abandon you even if you tried to ditch them. They are sometimes parents, brothers, sisters, significant others and spouses. Because they know us so well, they find listening to be possible when otherwise we might have to pay a professional to listen to us. They know us so well that they cannot be fooled into thinking that we have given up on some of our goals. They know us so well that they can diagnose and nurse us back to the individual we had hoped to become.

We need friends. But, friends take time. They have to have the opportunity to learn all about us and that takes time. Once you have a friend you must maintain that friendship and that takes time. And if you are lucky enough to have a friend they merit your friendship. And that takes time. In short, for many of us, our lifestyle doesn’t allow for friends only acquaintances. As long as your company is productive for them acquaintances will stick around. As soon as you become a problem they’re gone.

Don’t confuse the two and make the time to build and maintain friendships. That’s the best life insurance you can have.

Ethics and Actions

“The right act can be identified as the one causing the greatest good and the immoral act as the one impeding it.” (Sahakian, William S. & Sahakian, Mabel Lewis. Ideas of the Great Philosophers. pg 31. Barnes and Noble Books (1993). ISBN 9781566192712)

The concept of ethics should be powerful at all times as we attempt to shape ourselves and the world around us to best fit the situations in which we find ourselves. The ethical solutions we discover will come from a wide base of sources and cannot be confined to what any one source believes to be true, right and proper. And as we grow, shift and change, we must keep in mind that what once seemed to be “safe and profound” may shift in values, causing us to shift in values. This is a lifelong task.

The reason for its importance is simple. We are going to communicate from a shifting platform of awareness to others who will receive the communication from a shifting platform. The reason for the shifting platforms is easy: the more we experience and lean from, the greater the potential changes in all of us. That reminds me of a conversation once reported to me that went something like this.

He said, “Are you sure?”
I said, “Positive!”
He said, “Only fools are positive.”
I said, “Are you sure?”
He said, “Positive!”

One of the important things we spend our early lives learning is our culture. Our culture is taught to us first by mom and then dad and then everybody else around us on a regular basis. After a few years we go to school and suddenly we discover that not everybody does or says the same things. What a shock. Often we assume that the way we do it is correct and the way they do it is wrong. That often leads to problems in a few years.

DeVito definition: “Culture consists of the beliefs, ways of believing and artifacts of a group. By definitions, culture is transmitted through communication and learning rather than genes.”

If we take any of this seriously we should proceed with caution every time we communicate, because even within families where “the same culture” was taught, we find differences. In our modern world we have very dissimilar cultures living and working together all the time. Since we should be looking for ”the greatest good” when we communicate we need as much preparation time as is available.

So, What's Your Prediction?

There are those that say that we, as a nation, have never come to grips with our own history. We indeed did own and build an economy on the backs of slaves. Later, after a war between the states those slaves were "freed." But, often it is said that because we haven't come to grips with our own history, we can't seem to move past thinking of the decendents of slaves as being inferior and unworthy.

Men and women live together in our nation and according to much that I have been taught over the years, both should be awarded according to the benefits of their efforts equally. Yet, there is a continual problem. woman make 80% of what men make doing the same kind of work. After about a decade women are making 69% of what men make doing the same kind of work.

Let's hope those two assumptions are incorrect, but if they are correct how can we use that information to predict the outcome of a presidential election? Take the first assumption that suggests that as a nation we have not come to grips with our "experiment" with slavery. If these ex-slaves are indeed inferior, why would we vote for one? If we feel badly about how these slaves were treated, why would we give them the power to do unto us what we have done to them? Put another way, if we no longer talk about our past actions and in fact do not wish to admit any complicity in those actions why would we vote for someone that might overturn a culture that was worked well for at least part of our society?

I I really do hope that the second assumption is incorrect about women not being paid what they should be for doing the work they do. But, if that is correct, why would we vote for a woman giving someone we have short changed in a number of ways the power to overturn our culture and possibly reversing the tables?

My guess would be that the outcome of the next presidential election may make it impossible or nearly impossible for an ex-slave or a woman to win. Not because they are incapable of great leadership, but because we aren't certain that we want to follow the leadership of those that might be tempted to get even with us.

Just a thought. What do you think? Please comment.

Nonverbal Communication

“We respond to gestures with an extreme alertness and, one might say, in accordance with an elaborate and secret code that is written nowhere, known by none, and understood by all.” This concept written by Eduard Sapir contains a great deal of truth.

We often respond to people when we are still a considerable distance from them. We say things like: “Hey, do you know who that is?” “What are they doing here?” “Why are police officers walking all around here. Should I be concerned?”

We ask those questions because of a desire/need to know what is happening and the possibility that we might become involved. In spite of the fact that moms and dads are our first and best teachers, we can’t recall any lessons in nonverbal communication but are attempting to make use of it anyway.

We know that we use nonverbal communication all the time, trying to decide where to go and what to do. We too often think that others aren’t making use of nonverbal communication. Our dress, actions and general “isolation” from others indicates that we don’t really think they are using nonverbal communications and making judgments on what to do next based on their interpretations. Those interpretations must be inaccurate.

Those interpretations must be inaccurate because we don’t have enough information to form accurate explanations. We see things, such as a person we suspect doesn’t have enough money to afford the Porsche they’re driving on a regular basis. We decide that the car must belong to a parent, uncle or maybe they’re drug dealers. The more we think about how they act the more convinced that they really are drug dealers. When all is said in done, nonverbal communications are ambiguous and we need to think about them more often and more carefully than we do.

Who Am I

The fact is that each of us are a process and are constantly changing. The scary part is that we change in part by the influence of people around us. That makes it critical that we choose our friends with great care. You can't choose your parents or other relatives and they have a huge impact on who you think you are.

When you surround yourself with individuals who are honest, capable and willing to spend time with you then you have an excellent start on becoming a person that will be successful. Of course, both you and those around you define success. That definition leads to a longterm process of goal setting which leads to the satisfaction of "success."

The heart of the situation is that we can't tell how effective we are without the aid of others to keep us informed and make suggestions. These people become a series of "mirrors" for us to use to check our performance. As our communications improve we can establish longer term goals. But as long as there is life in us we will be setting goals and attempting to reach them because life is a process and so is communication.

Here's an example: you see someone and say to yourself, "I would really like to know that person better." You set a goal for yourself to spend some time with them letting them know a little about you and at the same time learn a little about them. If they are willing, you have just learned something about yourself. Every situation can lead you to improve your communication skills leading to achievement of goals.

This is a really round about way to say that we should always be learning about communication and we should always be applying what have learned to every day life. That way, we can use those things which work and avoid those things that simple don't work for us.

Breaking Out

Awareness of our communication is always going to be a problem. Assumptions are many and are almost always incorrect. For example, someone reports that you didn't seem too happy when you were told that our vacation plans were going to change. Your position is simple, since I can't do anything about the change in plans, why say anything. So, as you recall the situation, you didn't say anything.

Here's a problem: communication is inescapable. We may not have "said" anything using our words, but we may have said a whole lot with our nonverbal communication. We actually believe that since we didn't "say" anything you can't know that we have been frustrated by a change in plans. Of course we can be misinterpreted, because nonverbal communication is extremely ambiguous, but the more others know about us the less ambiguous our nonverbal communications are.

Another problem: communication is irreversible. We can't take back the verbal or nonverbal communication. It is already in other people's minds and not even they can get rid of it. In fact, the more you try to remove the communication the more likely it is that it will be recalled.

Indeed, communication is complicated. Games like poker can be played more successfully if you are able to hide your nonverbal communication. Some of us seem to be transparent and couldn't keep a secret if our lives depended on it. Some of us "have a way with words" and always seem able to say just the right thing. The more attention we pay to our communication and the better we listen to communications the more likely it is that we can reduce the consequences of being "trapped in our own skin."

Trapped Inside

Some of the more obvious things about life are often overlooked. We're born, but can't recall being asked to be born. We're alive and soon we are expected to take care of ourselves in nearly all aspects of our lives. When we're born we have no language skills and we don't know most of the rules for successful living. We are wholly dependent on others for most things until we finally are "allowed" (another word might be "forced") to assume responsibility for living a life we didn't ask for in the first place.

Looked at from that point of view, life might seem bleak. On the other hand, there are a great many things about life that are fantastic. If we are willing to learn how many of them are achievable during our lifetime. Most of what we need is the indirect support of others who are in the same position we are. It can be argued that a successful life is made up of learning and adapting.

Communication in all its forms is at the heart of learning and adapting. In fact, being able to think is heavily dependent on communication. As we move through our lives we need to be able to let others know what is going on inside of us and allow them to see what is going on inside of them. In a very real sense, we are trapped inside without communication skills. As our skills increase we gain more and more freedom from the restrictions our bodies started off with at the beginning of life. Communication is worth any time and effort we can spend learning and practicing. Learn and apply until we're dead. The other choice is to remain captive, trapped inside.

Communicating to Survive

Since it is likely that I will be unable to maintain this blog until the first of February, I need to review what Communicating to Survive is about. It is enormously simple from one point of view and enormously complicated from another point of view.

First, the simple view: we all have certain goals and through communications we can achieve those goals. The goals are:

1) to live with the person of our choice.
2) to live in the community of our choice,
3) to work at the job of our choice,
4) to work at the level of our choice and
5) to work at the pay of our choice.

As with all goals, depending on a wide range of variables, we may achieve them with ease or with great difficulty. This discussion is the beginning of a trip through some ideas that should make achieving these goals more likely.

From the complicated point of view, this process will require our attention for the remainder of our lives. To not pay attention to the details of effective communication will slow or even stop the process toward our goals.

Here are some basic assumptions that will be discussed.

1) Every person is unique if for no other reason than the genes that make us come together in a unique fashion constructing a unique body. For example, two people in the same family can take a medication and have different results. You might reason that since they are from the same family their reaction should have been the same. But experience indicates that members of the same family have different bodies and minds depending on what the genes from mom and dad accomplish within our body. One more example, you study hard and your brother or sister spends half the time and has a higher GPA.

2) Our experiences in life are different. One of the main reasons for that is we are wrapped in our skin and view the world from that point of view. Even when we travel together we are seeing the world from a slightly different point of view. That doesn’t even consider that fact that your eyes and ears work better than mine since your genes built them differently from mine. But, I make take pride that I’m stronger than you are.

3) We are limited on channels of communication. We might be able to use reflected light, sound waves and touch, but again our bodies are different and we can’t be certain that what we have experienced and now named will be understood the same way by the other person. I wear glasses and you don’t need to. I can eat anything and intend to and not put on weight. You pass by a donut shop and gain 5 pounds. Your view and mine about food is bound to be different. I love blue cheese and you can’t stand it. Again our genes have an impact and now another consideration—culture. What I have gotten out of my cultural exposure is different.

4) One of the best tools for communication is the creation of common ground. Doing things and thinking things together gives us additional insights into one another. That is not the same as saying that we agree on everything. The more time (a communication device) we spend together the easier it is for us to predict the others behavior. The middle American culture makes every effort to limit the amount of time we spend together doing the same interactive things. Work, entertainment, other folk and computers to name a few, tend to keep us from spending time with one another.

Did I mention that the second view point is much more complicated? It is what Communicating to Survive will be discussing.

Now, Is That Ethical?

That’s a question that should be on our mind all the time. Within the context of speech presentation it is very important. Since all speech is limited to time available, you must take into consideration what your purpose is and how best to achieve it given the audience you are addressing.

Somewhat easier in the case of the informational presentation: what need you say in providing adequate information to allow the listener(s) to understand? Your purpose is to instruct, you are a teacher and when you are finished your “students” will have acquired information that they can understand and use. With this type of presentation is the sharing of information. (Keep in mind that all information has a biasing quality.)

In the case of persuasive presentation there are additional concerns such as, because of time constraints am I favoring (leaning toward coercion) one side of this issue over the other? Is the presentation fair and balanced? This can be a problem. When you “know you are right” and you believe that it is in the best interests of your audience to agree with you, there will be a temptation to lean toward coercion. Here’s the problem: in the long run you want to be effective so you have already adopted the concept of always telling the truth. (Once spotted lying the listener will always be suspicious.) Once caught coercing (unethically attempting to control others behavior) listeners will always be suspicious. In a lifetime, it is not worth the risk to coerce.

Back to the time available when using the persuasive presentation: you must be fair and balanced to the best of your abilities in order to maintain your effectiveness. Since you feel this constraint you must take great care in the selection and presentation of all materials. You never can mention, let alone discuss all of the data that can be part of your presentation—there isn’t enough time.

To better understand the problem consider what has happened to the current administration in Washington DC over the last few years. They have moved from a position that was very close to “If you say so, it must be true,” to “Didn’t you tell us that Iraq had WMD and it turned out that they didn’t?”

Damaged credibility is difficult (impossible) to repair. Build your credibility carefully over the years and do nothing to damage it. Remain fair and balance in all presentations.

Media Today

Traditionally we have viewed the things that media does for us as follows:

1) Surveillance,

2) Correlation,

3) Cultural Transmission, and

4) Entertainment.

Surveillance is something that media has done better or worse over the years. Right now it seems to be doing it a little worse than it used to do it. As accountants have gained increasing control over the media we have seen that there really isn’t as much demand for surveillance as you might think. In stead, there is more profit in other things such as entertainment. When profits become the goal why would you provide news, information and interpretation to an audience that seems to prefer entertainment?

Correlation helps media consumers understand the steady stream of data that is coming at them. Isn’t it a bit too much like going to school? Wasn’t the goal to get and education and then get on with life? Why do we need all these people telling us what the news and information means? Well, the biggest reason is that we don’t have the time to find out for ourselves and the world is constantly changing as are we. With all this change we need all the help we can get just trying to keep up with the world outside our everyday lives.

Cultural transmission is one of the significant tasks of media. But, when you’re dealing with an audience that doesn’t really want to be educated in every area possible then entertainment is going to win. And after all we are being socialized through the entertainment we choose to spend our time with. Put another way, why spend your time learning more about your own culture when as far as you are concerned you already know enough. And what is the advantage of knowing all about somebody else’s culture anyway?

Entertainment is the biggest winner in this short list above. We all love entertainment and go our of our way to get as much as we have time and money for. If you’re going to try to educate me, please make it as entertaining as possible. As a nation we seem to be saying if I am warm, comfortable and have plenty of food and sufficient entertainment I really don’t care what is going on around me. Bread and circuses is a phrase which has though history been used to describe either governments or their citizenry when it appeared that human beings appeared to abandon more significant goals. It could be that to a large extent that applies to us now.

Persuasion

Joseph Conrad is credited with saying “Give me the right word and the right accent and I will move the world.” Short quotations often make very complicated and difficult tasks seem “easy” or “simple.” When it comes to persuasion there is very little about it that is easy. It takes broad based understanding of people; focus on the processes that are used by those people to arrive at conclusions. Then you mix in your ethical understanding so that long-term good results from your persuasion.

Start with “the right word.” This implies an understanding of the people you are addressing which allows you to come very close to how they mean about that “right word.” For example, in the news recently we have heard about a teacher that let “her class of 7-year-olds name a teddy bear Muhammad.” The teacher is back in England now, but she experienced first hand how people might react to a lack of understanding of public reaction to one word. Of course, it isn’t only the word.

“The right accent” is also part of their reaction. They might even be able to allow their children to name a teddy bear Muhammad within the context of their own home. But, to have someone that carries the context of a visiting professor from England allow, read encourage, their children to use Muhammad in any way might lead to a negative reaction.

In simpler terms, you might call you significant other “Funny Face” with only a positive reaction. But, if I tried to refer to your significant other as Funny Face you might very well slash my tires.

Persuasion may seem like a fairly straight forward and uncomplicated subject when it is viewed casually and from the point of view of a single sentence, but when it comes right down to it, persuasion is a difficult task and deserves a great deal of our attention.

Two Extremes In Human Communication

It has been assumed for many years that human communication can be placed on a continuum with informative at one end and persuasive at the other end. It isn’t an unreasonable idea and it helps us to make decisions about what we ought to do under specific circumstances.

For example, you are trying to explain to your spouse how to mix flour with liquid to create something like smooth gravy. In most cases one spouse tells (definitions, examples, demonstrations, examples) the other spouse, often step by step what needs to be done to successfully make the gravy. If the spouse succeeds we can all give thanks and enjoy our meal. But, even if there are delicious lumps throughout the gravy we can still put it on the mashed potatoes. After all, one spouse is teaching the other spouse how to make gravy.

It is likely that the spouse making the gravy has already heard a persuasive speech which caused them to attempt the gravy experiment in the first place.

When we speak primarily to share information then we are teaching. All of us are teachers all of our lives. We may even be unaware that we are teaching some folk because they never bother to tell us that they are learning from our teaching. When we raise children, we are teaching. We teach constantly and not only when we elect to teach. Our children, for example, learn from us how to walk, drive, swear and work. That’s one of the reasons all of us have heard at one time or another “Do as I say, not as I do.” We want to teach only when we choose to and not all the time. That would be nice if were possible.

Often grand parents think that they have the best of all worlds. They visit and can elect to share whatever they like and they won’t be around to reap the results of their teaching. Speaking to inform, teaching, is something we all do all the time. We must become effective at it for the success of those around us.

Persuasion

Part of communication is listening. We tend to think that if we can hear we are listening. Listening takes constant mental growth, fitness, sleep, good health and general awareness about the world around us. Nobody I know is really looking for more work and responsibility. Instead, what many of us want is less work and more fun, less responsibility and some sort of relaxing plateau.

The corollary that goes along with those wishes is that people and organizations will follow “our rules and expectations” in dealing with us and our community. That not only won’t happen it can’t happen. So the responsibility for our success falls on our shoulders. When we think, “They shouldn’t have done that,” “They had no right to say that,” we should be reminded that our success is our responsibility and it’s going to take our full attention.

We need to ask ourselves simple questions all the time which will aid us to put communication into our system with a real chance that we can succeed. Questions such as: 1) why are they talking to me? 2) why are they talking to me now? 3) why are they saying what they are? 4) what do they hope to accomplish? 5) who am I? 6) who do they think I am? 7) who are they? 8) who do they think they are, etc. These questions and others like them will help you to think about communications you are involved with. The review of communications in light of these questions will only take a second once you’ve become accustomed to thinking critically. But it will take practice getting there.

When you begin to practice these methods you will become increasingly able to use persuasive communications no matter what their origins. We all use persuasion in order to achieve even the simplest of goals. We constantly have others practicing their persuasive communication on us. It pays us to learn as much as possible about persuasion.

Methods of Presentational Communication

The biggest fear many of us have is public speaking, giving a speech, talking to a relatively large audience and so on. To avoid raising our fear levels we’ll call it presentational communication. There are four.

1) Impromptu

2) Manuscript

3) Memorized

4) Extemporaneous

Each one of these methods has strengths and weaknesses. I have arranged them this way to make a point. First, let’s look at impromptu speaking. Simply put, that speech is “off the cuff” and there has not be time to prepare. That means it is probably the most dangerous form of presentational communication. This method should b avoided at all costs.

To avoid impromptu presentational communications you must anticipate the occasions when they might be necessary. Anticipation includes briefly but clearly preparing the communication in advance and practice is important.

The last on the above list is extemporaneous. That is the method most audiences would prefer according to research. Look at your own experiences and decide which of the above four you would rather sit through. A more complete answer to the problems presented us by the impromptu method lies here with the extemporaneous method. In fact, the preparation of a short clear interesting extemporaneous communication is the answer to the problems presented by the impromptu communication.

So, if you want to win the friendship of another person and/or their families prepare extemporaneous communications to be delivered on demand. You already can predict most situations that will expect an impromptu speech. Things such as, “What are you planning to do with the education you’re getting at college?” The real question is “Are you just another bum or did our daughter find somebody worthwhile for a change?” A short, clear interesting answer will blow them away.

Hang in there.