This Works

So you find yourself, like so many of us, in the middle of an argument (fight) with your significant other. You know that you are “right” and that there is no other position than the one you have taken. Unfortunately, you’re being “right” doesn’t solve the problem. What you need now is a way to say two things at the same time.

There is a way: touch is a fantastic tool. For example, try putting your arms around the significant other and then continue the discussion, or whatever it is. You’ll find that the reassurance of the hug does a great deal to change the tone and feeling of the discussion. It is saying non-verbally, you are part of me and I’m part of you even thought we are tangled in a discussion at the moment. With some of the emotion removed by the reassurance the discussion may not be as damaging.

Even though this method works, as usual it depends on you always being consistent and honest in your relationship. It doesn’t work for those who are apparently untrustworthy. Be trustworthy at all times.

An additional problem: even though you are convinced that you are correct, take into consideration that at one time you thought there was a Santa Claus only to discover that that idea may not be true. So you changed your position on Santa and moved on. In this discussion/fight, you might be incorrect. Consider it. . .there is the possibility that you have overlooked something and your partner is correct.

Being right is valuable. But be certain that you are right before you destroy anything. Listen, ask questions, consider and provide information that you “know to be true.” Keep in mind that communication is a process, just like the rest of your life. Relationships are processes. Treat them like a work in progress and use all your tools: verbal and nonverbal (hugs.)

Communication and Goals

It should be obvious I suppose that our success is almost entirely dependent on communication. But, I think it is easy to imagine that there are other and possibly more important elements that may lead to our success.

Business leaders continue to point out that they need people who are in general capable and are skilled communicators. They can teach you many of the things that you will need to be employed by them, but the communication skills you have are the basis for the relationship.

From the beginnings of our life until we die people around us know things about us because of non-verbal and verbal communications. This awareness allows for the development of relationships. If they are comfortable that we will “fit” or be able to accomplish specific goals then they push us forward in a variety of ways. They make it possible for us to attend schools, gain experiences that will broaden us, habits that will provide the best possible environment for our minds and bodies. It is a social investment in our future.

Sometimes this social investment is made by family members and friends. At other times social investments are made by teachers, coaches and acquaintances. Why would they do such a thing? Because they think it is the right thing to do and other times it plainly selfish: they recognize you capabilities and advance them as much as possible for the rewards spiritual and material that are available.

But, center to this process is our ability to express ourselves (communicate), encouraging the folk around us to make our trip through life as smooth as possible. The lesson we should take from this thought is simple: think about what you are saying non-verbally and verbally as much as you possibly can. Allow others to see in you what you are hoping to accomplish in life or at least the things that you are that might be useful to others.

In short: communicate deliberately and constantly. Another word for this might very well be network.

Keep In Mind

Each of us sets goals. Often that happens at the beginning of a new quarter, new relationship or a new year. Often we fail to reach those goals. The good thing that we have done is set goals. The crazy thing we tend to do is not adjust our lives.

This thought is attributed to Benjamin Franklin: "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." Clearly, it didn’t work last time, so what has changed that makes us think that this time it will work. Instead, we must make changes.

Those changes very often boil down to time. How much time am I willing to devote to success in this new goal I’ve set? In the case of relationships, how much time am I willing to spend with someone significant in my life. Or am I going to count on increased repetition of the idea that, “Indeed, you are my best friend.”

The KIPP Academy concept of time spent on task has been proven by them to be successful. Their program begins at about 7:30 AM and there are still students on campus at 7 PM. They attend into what most think of as summer vacation time by about a month. And they take the time that is necessary to cover and understand the concepts before them.

One of the problems we all face is an idea that has been buried in our minds. It suggests to us every day that if we can catch on to a new idea quickly, we’re smart and others will see and notice. If it takes quite a bit of time and involves asking questions then we must have been shortchanged in the brain department. Who cares anyway? You are going to live your whole life with you, not the teacher or fellow students. You need the concepts that are before you and so it is important that you do what it takes to understand and retain those concepts.

In addition, it has been my experience that only a handful of times has anyone asked me what grades I got when I was in school, or what schools I attended. Instead, they want to know if I can do the job. Set goals! Make the goals reasonable and attainable. Make the changes necessary, probably more time spent, and reach those goals. It may take me longer to get there following this plan, but when I get there I will have achieved my goal which is success in its own right.

Why Be Concerned About Communication

Almost everyone has hopes and dreams that represent the goals we have for our lives. Some of them seem pretty far fetched, but others represent goals that we think we should be able to achieve.

Almost nobody focuses on what it is going to take to reach even the smallest of our goals. Now is the time, if you haven’t started already, to focus on how to achieve your goals.

If you want/need anything what is most often used to satisfy the situation? Communication is the answer. We must communicate with others. Sometimes it is just one other person we communicate with and we call that interpersonal communication. Communication with one other person may very well be the most important form of communication for any of us. It is through this form of communication that we gain friends, lovers, mates, jobs, and meals prepared to our liking.

The more we know about communication the more likely it is that we can achieve long lasting relationships, desirable employment as well as products and services that we request. Many of us can do the simple things in communication such as, “Please pass the salt,” and actually get the salt. That is important. But, far more important is letting someone special know that you think they are special and that you would like to spend time with them. That’s not easy.

That’s the kind of thing that makes the study of communication important. Things like, “I think that I would make an excellent addition to your staff,” said in the proper way becomes extremely important. With things this important we should give ourselves every advantage. That’s why we should all spend as much time as possible learning/improving our communication skills.

Listening Protocol

This is a fairly simple protocol to follow when listening: smile, sit up, listen, ask questions, nod when spoken to and track with your eyes. For most of us this is something that can be accomplished. Look at the elements and think about some of the things that each might accomplish.

Smile
A smile doesn’t seem like much, but it shows recognition of another’s existence and it usually won’t be interpreted as a negative. It may suggest to your mind that understanding this person might be useful making it easier to actually pay attention to what is happening.

Sit Up
This again can be a signal to the other person that you are ready to listen. At the same time it is a signal to yourself that you are about to listen. It also has wide spread implications of body posture. If you are lounging in the sun and you want to demonstrate that you are about to listen, changing your body posture will be a clear signal to all of your refocusing. When an officer enters the presence of soldiers they snap to attention and are thereby ready for any and all orders that might be given.

Ask Questions
OK, so in the military there isn’t a lot of question asking. But, the very fact that they are in the military suggests that the next communication may be extremely important and they might have to act on it immediately. In regular everyday social situations the topics are very likely going to be varied. To be certain that you are “on the same page” as the person doing the communicating, it only makes sense to ask questions about terms and context not currently and clearly understood. Asking questions also reassures the communicator that you are listening, and that you feel understanding is importance.

Nod When Being Spoken To
If you nod you can reassure the communicator that you are indeed listening, seeking to understand and if appropriate, act. A nod is a nonverbal statement being made by you that “we are engaged” in a conversation and with the addition of “ask questions” give the communicator every reason to believe that there can be a meeting of minds or at least further discussion. There is a very wide range of nonverbal communications we can use to participate while listening.

Track With Your Eyes
If, as the listener, you can use nonverbal communication in response to what is being communicated, then it only makes sense that the communicator is “saying” much more than the words your ears can hear. If you aren’t watching the speaker, you miss out on much of what is being said. That’s why so many Moms have insisted that we “look at me when I’m talking to you.” If our eyes are wandering about, then there is an excellent chance that our minds are as well.

If we were to attempt to incorporate this SSLANT protocol into our lives right now and follow it for a couple of weeks we would be astounded at the impact is has on our lives. If you’re already employed there is a very good chance that you wont’ be cut in the next round of layoffs. If there are no layoffs, you may be the one that gets the promotion/raise. That can’t be all bad. In your social/home life you will find that there are fewer “misunderstandings” and maybe even more surprising, more agreements.

Listening is very hard work. Give this a try and see if it improves you life.

Listening Better

The KIPP Academy teaches their students a process that would be wise for everyone to follow: SSLANT. The letters stand for: smile, sit up, listen, ask questions, nod when being spoken to and track with your eyes. If you think about it, what this lesson is teaching is the art of listening. If you follow SSLANT as much as possible you will be headed in the direction of skilled listening.

It really makes no difference who originates the communication, since everyone involved in the communication should be following the same six (6) concepts at all times in order to show proper respect and to properly understand the communication. Members of an audience, where possible and reasonable, can follow the rules and in conversations with your children, significant other, boss and/or fellow employees as well.

Paul Luvera writes in an online column, Plaintiff Trial Lawyer Tips: KIPP students “. . . are taught a protocol called SSLANT. It stands for: smile, sit up, listen, ask questions, nod when being spoken to and track with your eyes. I thought of jury selection where SSLANT would be a very good rule for trial lawyers who do a generally bad job by interrupting, not listening and looking like they are angry.”

Outliers: The Story of Success, a book written by Malcolm Gladwell makes reference to many ideas in his book that sets your mind off in new and stimulating directions. Gladwell points out that the students at the KIPP Academy were chosen to attend by randomn. Put another way, this concept will very likely work for any one of us. We all should give it a try.

Thoughtfully Say What You Mean

In his book Outliers, Malcolm Gladwell defined mitigated speech as “any attempt to downplay or sugarcoat the meaning of what is being said.” (page 194) It turns out that this is a very important idea. It affects us everyday and it can make a very big difference in our attempts to succeed.

In Outliers, Gladwell talks about commercial air accidents and traces the cause of many of them to mitigated speech. For example, it appears that rank, position and culture may play a serious role flying commercials airliners. It appears that when the Captain of the aircraft is not actually flying the plane but a secondary pilot is, there is a reduced chance of an accident. It is not experience as a pilot, but rather the willingness to speak out about situations which might contribute to a crash. The Captain is comfortable in giving an order, whereas the subordinate is nervous about speaking out. The pilot that is second in command may not want to over step his position and tends to mitigate his speech.

Political correctness may also fall into this category. Instead of saying what the situation appears to be the speaker may “downplay or sugarcoat the meaning of what is being said.” In another very important area, interpersonal relationships, the same thing might happen.

Without clarity on the issues at hand, we are going to have a difficult time solving problems which will get in the way of our reaching our goals. Mitigated speech in a marriage, for example, might have a spouse making quiet suggestions in the background of everyday life. The person the suggestions were aimed at might not perceive them as being applicable or important. Later under stressful circumstances the spouse counting on mitigated speech to correct the situation may simply abandon anything approaching sugarcoating and both parties my find themselves in a full blown “war” of words. "You never listen to me. I've been trying to tell you for months. You just don't care."

Damage done to the interpersonal relationship will never be forgotten and it may cause the whole relationship to eventually collapse. Harmful confrontations might be avoided if we were to spend more time learning/practicing saying clearly and in a nonjudgmental way things that need to be said, rather than leaning on mitigated speech to solve the problem.

Things that may contribute to the dangerous use of mitigated speech may include: culture, position, sexual orientation, personal insecurity and a general lack of sustained open communication.

How Can They Know?

When you want something you ask for it. If the other person is willing you receive what you asked for. That seems simple enough. But, when we begin to look at what is happening all around us we realize that there is something very wrong with our communications.

On the personal level there seems to be a growing problem: it comes out something like this.

"You knew what I meant. You just didn't want to do it."

Since everything you know is inside your brain, and everything they know is inside their brain, how could you possibly "know" unless they told you? Herein lies the problem: none of us are taking the time to do the things that are necessary to understand each other. Some of these things are:
1) listen
2) check to see if what you heard is what they think they said
3) think about your position
4) choose your words and actions with care
5) deliver those words with as much care as possible to assure proper interpretation.

So much for the idea that clear and concise communication is simple. But, there are things that we can do that will improve our chances. Listen with care. Avoid doing and thinking about other things while the other person is attempting to communicate with you. That may mean that you have to find a place that is quiet with fewer distractions. One example, turn off your cell phone and put it out of sight.

Analyze what you think you have just heard. Consider it. Then put the content into your own words and ask something like this: "Would I be correct in assuming that you. . ." If they confirm that you seem to understand what they said begin to construct your response. That is not a normal human characteristic. Instead we usually think, "I know what you're going to say and I feel. . ." If you are lucky you are sometimes correct about the idea you think you're about to hear. If you are normal, you're wrong.

Once you have a handle on what they think they said and you have formed a response, choose your words and actions with care. Deliver those words with great care and watch for the response from the other person. If the reaction isn't what you expected, examine what they might have done with what you said and make immediate repairs.

I know what you're thinking and I might be right: this whole thing is very time consuming. Correct. Effective communication takes time. The idea that we can do it all in life is just plain wrong. We can only some it effectively. Slow down, listen, consider and then respond.

Communication Skills Elements

When speakers/communicators are being considered there are at least two skills that are of concern: writing and speaking. Although those aren't the only methods to communicate they are two of the most common. Those have to do with our abilities to encode messages into some form for transmission. If we are thinking of audiences in traditional terms then there are two additional skills that involve decoding. We decode by reading and listening. These ideas are clearly discussed by David Berlo in his book, The Process of Communication.

Before successful communication takes place we experience thought or reasoning. This step is necessary for both the writer/speaker and the reader/listener. These elements deserve our thought and attention if we hope to be able to communicate what we intend to and be understood by any audience.

It makes sense then, that we constantly improve our writing and speaking abilities and that we spend considerable time and focus on the reasoning we use and expect the listener to be able to follow. If this were an easy process, then nearly everyone would be successful communicators.

Keep This In Mind

If we mean by the term communication the perfect reproduction of a thought in our mind in another mind, then communication is impossible.

Why? Some simple but important reasons. We are all different, have had different experiences, lived in different places and that makes the elements of messages, such as words and gestures, different from other minds. The differences make it impossible to say anything and have that idea perfectly reflected in another mind.

Communication is tough and deserves our full and continuous attention.

Source Fidelity Challenges

When you are attempting to communicate you are faced with a number of challenges, which you can minimize. According to David Berlo there are at least four (4) considerations.

The following describes factors that are within the source of the communication which can be used to increase the fidelity of the communication and are discussed in The Process of Communicaiton:
"1) communication skills,
2) attitudes,
3) knowldege base and
4) position within a social-cultural system."

Communication skills--the more we know about and have at our disposal various skills the more likely that we will be successful in communicating. That includes a wide range of things such as the correct use of language: vocabulary and structure, control over the channel(s) being used to communicate, and familiarity with the audience.

Most of those skills teachers have tried to help us improve over the years. They have to this point had an impact, but have not necessarily achieved perfection. That is something we will have to work on as long as we are alive. That may come as bad news to any of us who have been looking forward to being finished with our education. The only thing that will finish our education will be death. First professional teachers attempt to teach us then we are expected to take over the task ourselves.

Attitudes--long before we could make any judgments about the usefulness of the concepts we were being taught, out brains were acquiring data which we had no reason to mistrust. Some of it was wrong and some just plain wrong headed. Now when we become aware of the basic body of knowledge and the possibility that it may have some flaws our task becomes the retraining of our brains and that will also take the rest of our lives.

Attitudes affect everything we do or say. They aid us in deciding who to talk to and who not to talk to as well as what should be said and what might be better left unsaid. Attitudes like our first instruction in language is likely to be at variance with our current beliefs and require our attention and alteration to fit what we currently believe. That is not likely to be easy.

Knowledge base--the things we learn, the contexts of our learning and the use to which we have put that learning all work together to build a professional knowledge base. The social and spiritual knowledge base will come through experience as well. Keep in mind that the careful choice of friends and associates will aid you greatly in forming successful and meaningful knowledge bases.

Formal education, classes taught in schools, can be very helpful. But, informal education is also very useful and should be planned out just as carefully over the course of a well planned life.

Position within a social-cultural system--this has an inordinate control over the breadth and types of experiences that will be readily available to you. If you appear to be a "safe" person to include within a particular social-cultural system you will be allowed to participate and learn. If on the other hand, you are not allowed to actively participate you will have to find a way around the barriers you have discovered. For example, women in the business world have found it difficult to be allowed to enter the spaces where critical education takes place which might allow them to rise with the business world.

First thing to notice is that you can increase your control over your communications and that it will most definitely affect your control over your own environment. It is not simply "be nice, and everything will be provided to you."

Communicating

Aristotle said that there are three (3) ingredients in communication:
1) speaker,
2) speech and
3) listener.

Correct or not, these are useful concepts. First, look at the speaker. The following questions should help us understand what we do and then help us to use them in our attempts at communication.

1) Who are you? We should have a constantly improving idea of who we are and what we can do. That self-concept will never be fully accurate, but like our lives is a work in progress. The answer to that question emerges the widest possible range of influences. The answer includes such things as where, when and how we were born. It also looks at our cumulative lives and everything that happened to us along the way . . . our experiences. This awareness is extremely important to our futures. One of the best possible reasons for choosing our friends carefully and then maintaining those friends, because it is through them that we gain wisdom about who we are.

They won't know who we are unless someone tells them. That impacts anything and everything you say and do. In a speech for example, you must answer the question almost never asked out loud: "Why should I listen to what you have to say?" Find a way to give the folk listening the answer to that question.

2) Who do they think you are? You can add to their knowledge base by telling them directly and indirectly who you are. The kinds of experiences have you had, when and where. How you know what you know and how you learned it. In a small community many of the folk you are talking to will have "a fairly good idea" of who you are because of previous knowledge and experiences with you and folk who know you.

Now, take a look at the audience.

3) Who are they? The more you know about those to whom you are speaking the more likely you can influence what and how they think. Extremely important in this situation is information needed by the listener which they can use to allow themselves to listen and learn without being embarrassed later. After trusting themselves to listen and they have learned things they value from you, they can use the knowledge with others who will recognize the value and importance of what they have learned through listening. In other words, the listener not caught being gullible by folk they talk to because the information they have learned appears to be accurate and useful. In short, the speaker appears to them to be a trustworthy, intelligent person with specific knowledge than can be safely used. Aristotle referred this experience as ethos, or what you appear to others to be.

4) Who do they think they are? Be aware that individuals believe themselves to be bright and capable and have enough self-respect to distinguish useful from non-useful information. They "live in a free country" and have every right to think about what happened last night or what they are going to be doing later. They believe they have a right to use what you say to appear to be brighter and better informed than they really are. They believe that they are important. Treat them with respect.

Now look at the speech. A speech is information couched in terms that are easily understood and recalled by the listener. It represents the best of what you have experienced, know and recently learned about the topic. The topic is often determined by those who have requested that you address them. That is useful. Under these circumstance there is every indication that your ethos, who you appear to be, is already positive. If you speak to them using language that they are familiar with and understand, then they can listen and recall later what you have said. Your task is to make the topic easy to recall, therefore use.

Clearly then, you must know who you are addressing. Demographic data, such as age, sex, socio-economic status, etc. are useful. If you can add information which overlaps a bulk of the audience because of common knowledge and experiences, you will have bridged much of the gap.

Jumbled information isn't easy to understand or retain. Put your information into a package that seems to belong in that form. This will be a great aid to those listening and later when they are attempting to recall. In other words, organize the information in a form which fits the audience.

The listener--those who have come to hear what you have to say. Make it easy for them to feel like they are part of an enlarged conversation. Use the tone, words and phrases that a conversation would use. Watch the individuals while you are talking to them. From the look on their faces can they hear and understand you. If you are not looking at them they can't give you that information. They don't really care if you make a mistake. Fix it and move on. Don't make a federal case out of it, that certainly isn't what they want.

The more ways they can experience what you are saying the more easily it is understood and retained. Use audio-visual aids whenever possible.

If all of us were to review these ideas before we begin the process of speech preparation we would be nervous, but not dangerously fearful. Our audience would be at ease and open to ideas that they can use. Ideas and actions that are important would receive proper consideration.

All Day, Every Day

One of the things that is extremely important to our existence is our ability to persuade folk around us that we are:
1) worth having as friends and associates,
2) worth hiring and retaining,
3) able to setup and defend processes that will protect us, our families, communities indeed the planet itself.

The ability to do that is wrapped up in three ideas handed to us from Aristotle and they are the effective use of the following:
1) logos, or logical appeal,
2) ethos, or ethical appeal, and
3) pathos, or emotional appeal.

Making careful use of these three elements will make us a force to reckon with. The first, logos, implies that we will take the time inform ourselves in a world where we are tempted to think that job belongs to someone else. We are not to simply reinforce what we already believe, but search for elements we may disagree with from folk we don't even like that might solve real problems. This is simply not a "natural act" in our culture today.

Having informed ourselves we need to apply rigorously apply reason. We must think about the data we now have and how we can use that data to solve problems. Again this in not a "natural act." It will pit us against the masses at times, but if the data says this is the way, move ahead using every bit of reasoning power you have.

The second, ethos, implies that you have lived your life is such as way as to create trust in what you do and say. Your greatest power will come from ethos. Folk who are not willing to reason carefully on a regular basis will trust your abilities and may even change their attitudes, belief or behavior. One of the biggest challenges any of us face is the scarcity of data on the ethos of our leaders. What are they really like. We learn more about what they want us to know than what we need to know. They tend not to live next door, so it is difficult to see "what they are really like."

The third, pathos, implies that you understand the importance of what you are advocating and can share that with us, because you have taken the time to think about us. You know how we feel about our homes and children and the plans we have for the future and you can tie the ideas you have to those futures.

Now you are in a power position. Taking care to be honest and ethical you can enhance my future and the future of all the folk I love. . .and of course your future will be tied in as well.

This Or That

When we communicate there are two main reasons we attempt it: to inform or to persuade.

When we communicate to inform we are attempting to teach. The primary concern under these circumstances is to make clear and easy to recall those things that will be necessary for the listener to understand. We all are teachers and we are called on to explain things on a regular basis. There are several questions that would be useful to ask yourself before you begin.
1) What do they need to know?
2) What do they already know? Be careful here or you may be offensive.
3) How will they best be able to follow and remember necessary information?

These questions are useful no matter how large or small the audience is. It helps if the person(s) seeking the information think/believe that you know. The more certain they are that you do know the more likely that they will focus their attention on what you are saying/doing.

When we communicate to persuade we are attempting to alter their position, change their mind, modify their behavior and so on. Here we must put together information, some of which they probably already know and then organize it so that certain conclusions seem to flow naturally from the information. You will still be a teacher, but now you care about the outcome and you want them to change. The same questions listed above apply now as well. This time you will describe the outcome you value and if time permits describe outcomes that are not as desirable no matter how tempting.

The more they believe that you know what you're talking about and the easier it is for them to change the more likely they will focus on and recall what you have said--and the more likely they will change in the direction you had hoped for. Again, the more they perceive you as being informed and clear thinking the more likely they will focus on and accept and spend less time questioning what you say. If they see the change as being useful, fulfilling, desirable, dependable and reasonable they may make a two changes: change in behavior (vote for you) and change in mind (believe that you have given them a truth to live by.)

We use both forms of communication every day. We want those around us to know more about us and we want some of the them to accept us as friends and cohorts.

The Problem

"The things I want to do, think about and talk about are just not the things that others want to hear." That's not an unusual complaint.

The problem is, how can I talk about my interests without being boring to others? Ask yourself some questions:
1) Why am I interested?
2) How did I become interested?
3) How might this topic impact the person(s) I'm addressing?
4) What are the interests the person(s) I'm addressing?

First, why do you find certain things interesting and others not so interesting. There must be elements in your choice of ideas and activities that have led you to spend time and energy in that area. What are those elements?

Second, how did I become interested in these ideas and activities when many of the people I know haven't demonstrated any particular interest? These elements may very well suggest a path others will recognize and understand. People who may know or care very little for your particular interest may be able to understand why somebody would be interested.

Third, what impact can you think of that might impact those you are addressing that is directly related to interest in your topic? Much, if not all of us are impacted by changes that we don't know about or wouldn't even approve of if we knew about them. We are still impacted and anything that affects us is likely to hold our attention.

What are the interests of the people you are addressing? They are and probably should be centered on their lives. After all, if they don't take care of themselves, who will? Enlightened self interest has a positive ring to it. Certainly more positive than selfish. But, that is a very good place to begin. You should find a wealth of possible ties when you view the enlightened self interest as it relates to your own interests.

What We Overlook

There are some simple facts of life which we tend to overlook. First, we have a tendency to think of ourselves as being ordinary. But, if you will take a moment you will discover that people you know have a tendency to ask you questions about things. If you examine the questions you will begin to get an idea of what they think are your areas of expertise. On the other hand, you might be thinking that there are lots of people who know more than you do about those topics. For now, we should focus on what we know and what those around us think we know to get an idea of who we are. We are their experts.

Second, when we are asked questions because they think we know, two things are going to happen. Let's say they ask us, "How do I change the depth of field when taking pictures with my camera?" We know we're their "experts" in this area. The second thing that we do when we answer their question is "practice" communication. That rehearsal is valuable because it increases the likelihood that in the future you can effectively explain the process. The more often you are asked and the more often you successfully answer the question the more rehearsals you have had and if asked to explain it to a large group there will be very little problem.

We tend to think of ourselves as something less than an expert and we arrive at that conclusion without proper evaluation. And we tend to think that we haven't rehearsed our communication and therefore are not properly prepared. Rethink these situations because you are very likely the expert your audience thinks you are and you have practiced and rehearsed your communication because you have talked about the subject repeatedly. Now, just stand up and do what you know you can do.

Strange

It seems that some of the most common things in our lives are simply taken for granted. Some of them like pure water, clean air, safe food, good health seem to be just there for us to take advantage of. But, if and when they are in short supply we begin to notice them. First with concern and ultimately with something that approaches panic.

One of the those common things is human communication. We assume that things are just fine and we continue to do what worked for us last week until, something really goes wrong. Then we want to know what happened. Much of the time faulty communications happened and now we're in a pickle. Some things about communication problems can be avoided or minimized by paying careful attention.

For example: "Who are they?" "Who do I think they are?" "Who do they think they are?" "Who am I?" "Who do they think that I am?" "What did they say?" "What did they mean?"

Those are questions that can be answered in an ever improving fashion and the use of those questions will make a huge difference in your ability to reach your goals. In fact, the more we think about, study, plan and deliver our communications the more likely we'll be able to:
1) live with the person of our choice,
2) live in the community of our choice,
3) work at the job of our choice,
4) work at the level of our choice, and
5) work at the pay of our choice.

Making effective communication even more difficult is that fact that we are always communicating. We often don't know what we are "saying" or to whom we are "saying" it. That's because you and I too often decide from a great distance that some folk just don't seem to be the kind of person we are interested in know. They had no idea that they said anything to you at all.

Communication is tough and deserves careful thought and preparation.

Persuasion

When we try to change others, we are attempting to persuade them. Many of us are looking for the best methods to change others and we tend to concentrate our efforts in a narrow fashion. Allow me to suggest that the most powerful device for changing others is available to all of us.

If we divide the world of communication into two parts it will facilitate our thinking: 1) verbal communication and 2) nonverbal communication. If we examine how we learn to do much of what we do we will discover that it we learned through observation, or non verbally. If we examine which of these two processes individually in our own experience we will discover that we trust most often "what you do rather than what you say."

Another aspect of communication is that the impact of communication tends to build over time. It isn't what mom told us to do once, but a thousand times. That still is no guarantee that we will "do" what mom said we ought to do. On the other hand, we probably will remember it very well. Later in life, when it seems that what mom was advocating is the best course of action, we may adopt part or all of what she tried to persuade us to do.

If we put these ideas together we should discover that the most powerful attempts to change people is by our own example. As our non verbals are "heard" over time we begin to assemble our changes based on the observed evidence. We become changed. The person or persons who started the process of change (persuasion) may never know the role they played in the change. Never be discouraged that your attempts to elicit change have "apparently" failed. There is no way for you to know that.

But, there is a huge problem attached to all of this discussion. What about one of the most prevalent and obvious attempts to change our behavior: elections. Since most of the candidates are not personally known to us through day to day observations and since they can allow certain well chosen bits of information to flow through the media, we end up making choices based not on personal observation. Instead we make them verbally, know full well that we don't trust verbal communication nearly as much as we trust nonverbal communication.

This should force us to look for outcomes, performance records uncontrolled by anyone, on which to base our changes. Here we are very weak. We tend to ignore history, even recent history, and choose based on the weakest data, verbal. We play a major role in our own changes. Take the time, energy and focus to change (persuade) yourself that you deserve. Don't allow anybody's words alone, even mine, to change you when more can and should be done.

Communication and Jobs

Most of us have heard about networking, contacting people, and getting hired. Let's add one more dimension to that idea of networking. When people hire, they would prefer to hire people that they know. The closer they can come to knowing the person the more likely they will hire them.

Clearly one of the jobs for each of us then is to get out and meet new people. Never stop getting to know people. The more folk that know you and want to help you out, the more likely that they will contact someone who is looking for a new employee. It is clear that for many of us we will be stepping out of our comfort zone in order to accomplish the task.

Remember, if the person doing the hiring does not already know you, be certain that they know somebody that does know you. Adding one last thought for now, be certain that if a resume is required that it is more like a sales presentation than an obituary. Include the accomplishments and goals you have and tie those to the business to which you are applying.

Simple To Use Every Day

Certain elements often make up the basic building blocks of communication. These elements are useful in a very wide range of situations:

Introduction
Body
Conclusion

Introduction
We all enjoy being introduced to attractive people. Part of what makes them attractive is the promise of things to come. That is often based on things that have happened in the past. In order for introductions to work for us, we need to recall that those involved have a mental set coming into the situation. The better you are a predicting what that mental set is the better the introduction. Remember, you have to move the audience from where they are to where they must be for the introduction to be productive. Give them enought information that they want to hear/see/feel more. Get and hold their attention.

Body
The real reason for the communication to exist is the content of the body. Filled with facts and opinions it can help relationships and programs if structured properly. That depends on who they think you are and who you think you are. Evaluate who they think your are and make any necessary adjustments and keep in mind who you think you are. Be aware of what they think of the content of what you're addressing and put it into terms that will be as palatable as possible for them and as accurate as possible for you. Put the content into forms, statistics, definitions, stories, and pictures that will increase their understanding and give them clarity. Fit the content to them to the best of your ability.

Conclusion
Remind them of who they are and what they now know by listing a short, accurate, memorable summary of what they have just heard. If possible, remind them of who you are and that your background continues to be of value to them. As a test their answer to the question what did you say should be 1) who you are, 2) what you have said, 3) why it was important to them and they should be able to express it in their own words.

If these elements were followed in all of our communication we would be much more effective. Review quickly before each communication situation the basic elements we have just covered and increase our successes.

Importance Of Words

When we have a limited vocabulary we sometimes don't make much sense to ourselves, let alone others. The greater the vocabulary the more likely that we can express ourselves accurately. Take interpersonal relationships for example.

If we recognize that there is a progression in relationships and that we can name them, then we also understand that we must take care to not get the "cart before the horse." These terms are important: 1) pre-interaction awareness, 2) initiation, 3) intensification, and 4) intimacy.

Pre-interaction awareness: describes what happens when we become aware of people who appear to have the potential to be important to us. They may appear to be beautiful, handsome, bright and/or funny. We like what we see. Clearly the more experience we have in analyzing people the more likely our assumptions will be accurate. Saying or doing anything that is not appropriate for this level of the relationship can threaten the very survival of the relationship. Hard as it is to remember, other people are doing to us what we are doing to them. This stage of a budding relationship is critical if for no other reason than nonverbal communication is always ambiguous.

Initiation: decribes the first direct contact with the other person. You move from passive to active communication. Mom often talked to most of us about first impressions. This process of initiation is part of that first impression and you're not going to get two chances to make that first impression. Mom was right. Don't you hate it? You must be careful, thoughtful and bring to bear all the skills you have in reading people from a distance in order to be successful. That may very well be why introductions are still very valuable, because someone else can put you into the "proper" context before you start to initiate the relationship.

Exploration: a period of time which can and should be used to find out more about the other person and share information about yourself that they really ought ot know. This period need never end. You will never know everything about anyone you know and they are in the same position. Somehow we have gotten the idea that if you know enough about a person to claim them as friend or spouse you know everything you need to know. That may be a contributing factor in the break of friendships and marriages. Never stop exploring. Exploring takes time and focus. You may think that its just a dinner at some restaurant and you would be wrong. It is much more than food and surroundings, it is finding out about the other person and what they like and don't like. Or how they feel about some issue that comes up during dinner. Without the continuous exploration you may be headed for stress or even disaster.

Intimacy: a term we often limit to physical realationships and shouldn't. It is true that intamacy attempted at the wrong time may be considered inappropriate and forever damage a realtionship. But, on a broader base, intimacy is knowing a person in ways that no other does or maybe can. That takes time, contact, focus and those are all things that we tend to short change.

Nonverbal

Back in April I wrote about nonverbal communicaiton and it can be repeated I think.

"How many times do I have to tell you that I love you?" One of the things we should examine is, "Why is this person asking over and over again do you love me?" There are several possible reasons.

Instead of letting your frustration burst out, think about what they are saying or at least what you think they are saying. They may be saying that, "If you really loved me you would be around more often and longer." They could also be saying, "I hear what you say to me, but I don't hear an adequate explanation why you can love me." Probably the first of these two explanations is the most important.

The reason is simple: time. Time and your use of it says a huge amount about who you are and what you value. People spend most of their time doing what they prefer to do. When they aren't spending time the way they want to, they usually complain loud and long. If you love someone and you don't choose to spend time with them, then they have a right to wonder about your real feelings."

There are other reasons of course, but we should pay careful attention to our use of time. We are saying things to our boss, friends, children spouse by our use of time, even when we think we've got it covered with words.

Keep in mind the question, "What am I communicating to myself and others?" It may aid you in the process of making a decision about what to do. Are you telling yourself that since you know why you're doing what you're doing your significant other will understand? Are you certain you know how they will interpret your nonverbals with the same interpretation you have?

It's A Building Game

It is my belief that parents are the first and best teachers a child can have. Even if the parents aren't ready to be parents, the children will still learn whatever the parents are teaching. The children know only "that's the way its done and I can do that." You can guess that I think in order for parents to build excellent people they 1) prepare themselves for the never ending task of parenting, 2) they must work together put together the healthiest human they can and 3) then they must give that human the basic building blocks for excellence.

Public or private schools are primarily there to aid the parents through expertise and remediation to build the best possible human being.

You can predict then that if I were king I would insist that every person that had as a goal parenting they mus demonstrate that they have taken excellent care of themselves mentally, physically and spiritually in preparation for the huge task ahead of them.

We often can slow things down and choose our words with care, but there is almost nothing we can do with our actions. What we tend to forget is, "Do as I say and not as I do," merely points out the futility of hiding behind such things as "I never once told them that they could or should do that." When in fact, they already knew before we had the opportunity to use words they had seen how it is really done by the folk in charge.

This whole process deserves a great deal of time and attention. Few of us are apparently allowing for the time and we're too busy to focus on the problem.

Great Opportunity

We have a great opportunity to watch some of the most skilled communicators on the planet attempt to reach their goals through communication. In short, we have two political parties trying to find a way to get their candidate elected in November. From one point of view, the USA and the world has a great deal at stake.

From another point of view, we can learn from these experts more about human communication and we'll have the opportunity to see which methods contributed to the success of these candidates. We all need to take the time to learn. That provides us with increased capabilities when it comes to communication and it provides us with a valuable process whereby we can protect ourselves from folk who attempt to use communication for self advancement at our expense.

When watching/listening/reading ask yourself some questions. 1. Why is this person saying what they are saying to me at this time? 2. Who do they apparently think I am? 3. Are they providing useful, important and tested evidence to support their positions? 4. If there is going to be a benefit to their conclusions, who are those that benefit the most?

Ask yourself these questions in addition. 1. Why am I paying attention to this communication source? 2. Do I want support for what I believe to be true or do I want to know what the best solution currently is? 3. Since the issues are apparently very important to what extent am I willing to evaluate the communications and determine along with what I learn and know what course of action(s) is appropriate?

If we do little or nothing we will become what we all say we dislike: sheep led to slaughter. If we act responsibly it may help to reshape the future of our country, the world and maybe most importantly, our lives. We will become harder to fool or mislead, because we have developed some patterns that protect us from those who would control us.

Noise

When you get close to some things you may no longer be able see them for what they are or were. Noise is one of those things. Noise is anything we don't value or appreciate or it can be much more important and demand our attention. Noise that demands our attention is what the concept I'm talking about.

Noise is anything that affects the fidelity of messages. Noise comes in many forms. If you were around me quite a bit you would discover that I have a tendency to begin talking about things that are perfectly clear to me, but since you haven't been inside my head, you haven't a clue as to what I'm thinking or saying. There is no context for you and you don't know what to do with the words.

So you ask, "What on earth are you talking about?"

Slightly irritated, I respond, "What do you think? I was talking about the current political campaign." From my egocentric point of view, you knew what I was thinking and now you're pretending not to follow my thought. That is an example of noise. When you assume that the ideas you have in your head are clearly represented by the ideas in the other person(s) head and you expect them to be able to understand what on earth you are talking about. Noise: anything that affects the fidelity of the message.

Another example of noise: "Please slow down. Your accent is making it hard for me to follow what you are saying. By the time I figure out what you have said, you're already off and running in a different direction." Accents can make oral communication a problem.

Another example: you and I are sitting in a cafe where everybody seems to be talking at the top of their voices, laughing and the jukebox is turned up way too loud. We came into the cafe for coffee and conversation. Now we realize that the noise level is so high we can't hear each other talking. So, we grab our coffees and head out to some more quite spot to talk.

Another example: I'm an actor in a play and I was forced to put my costume on before getting to the theater for rehearsal. My outfit makes me look like I haven't eaten enough for months, I haven't had a bath or shaved for an equally long time and I'm asking for directions to the theater. One quick look from you and you realize that you have nothing to say to me that I will understand or appreciate. So you just walk on by. The noise of my appearance is so loud that you won't really hear what I'm saying with my words, only what I'm saying with my costume.

Noise can be a lot of things, and they are all important to the fidelity of the message. We all need to spend a lot more time thinking about noise and how we need to control it.

Communicating Is Important

We all have been told that our skills in communication are basic to earning a living, who you associate with and the success you have with friends, spouse and children. Communicating is important. One of the areas many of us hope that we never have to face is the need for successful communication before a "really large group of people that may or may not like us."

We all know more and think about more often, the weaknesses we have. As long as I'm quiet people have to guess what those weaknesses are. But, if I stand before an audience and speak right out loud, our fear is that everybody will know about our weaknesses.

One of the important aspects of learning is the discovery of multiple ways to approach situations. If by focusing on communication we can discover multiple ways to approach communication situations, we're going to be ahead of the game. We will discover that you may not "win" all the time. But, you don't have to "lose" all the time either. You are not powerless even though you may never be powerful.

Since the only way we can direct changes that will happen in our lives, no longer relying on luck, is through communication, it is extremely important that at some level we think about, practice, learn skills that will tilt the future in the proper direction.

There are many places where we can and should learn about communications.
1. Observe others
2. Try alternative methods
3. Read books, magazines and periodicals that are about communications
4. Take courses at educational institutions or offered by competent professionals

Some really good and others not nearly so good can be watched and listened to in the privacy of our own office or in the library and even on your smart phone. Two of these are: FORA.tv, "the world is thinking, and, now, you can always be a part of it;" and TED.com, "ideas worth spreading." There are many others, but these would make an excellent starting point.

Keep in mind that learning doesn't always begin with agreement. Be honest to yourself and others, keep your mind as open as possible and never stop looking for a better way.

Networking

We often think of the importance of communication and achievement of personal goals, but forget that one of those goals is employment. Employment is more than a way to pay the bills or should be. It should be an expression of what you want to do with your life and the contribution you want to make to those around you.

We sometimes call that networking. Networking as I'm using the term and according to Wikipedia, is “Communication with and within a group; "You have to network if you want to get a good job". This should be a powerful, useful and continually used tool in our everyday lives. Why it isn't may be the subject of several books you should be writing. For now, let it be said that there almost seems to be a barrier between us and others when it comes to providing others with vital information about us that others really need in order to make reasonable decisions about us.

The task then is to communicate: 1) about who we are, 2) what we have done, 3) what we would like to do, and 4) where we would like to do it. We can do that verbally, by telling people that we come in contact with and we can do it nonverbally by doing the things that represent your life goals. Keep in mind that nonverbal communication is more believable that verbal communication, so you really need to demonstrate interest and enthusiasm for the goals you claim.

Remember reciprocity: I'll show you mine if you'll show me your's. Its only fair and it will create a “network' of folk who will be happy to help you out, because by helping you they are in fact helping themselves. Over time, these elements in your network will become friends or at least friendly.

Verbally, voice and in writing: cards, letters, notes, conversations, etc. remind folk of your goals. Nonverbally never stop working toward your goal. Don't hide, but work right out in front of everybody. The worst thing that can happen to you is that you'll fail. Failure is just another aspect of life and we do survive failures after all. Find ways to leave reminders of you and your goals with people you come into contact with. Include contact information: how do they reach you, where do you live and failing that who knows your contact information?

When you help others, make certain that they know all your contact information. When those you've helped are asked about how they were able to accomplish their tasks, most of them are happy to tell you about the “people” they have and know.

Relationship Values

Once you have established a relationship that you value, why would you ignore it allowing it to dissolve? Most of us wouldn't. On the other hand, most of us haven't looked at what it takes to maintain a relationship in the first place.

First, let's look at what it takes to build the relationship since that is what we hope to maintain, in fact build upon. Imagine a couple, they see each other and they notice a wide range of things: activities, goals, personal awareness as well as other awareness. We like all those things. They apparently feel the same way about you. Fact is, both of you spend a great deal of time together and find out about one another. Put another way, each allows the other to build a representation of themselves in their mind. This is the person that they will carry with themselves over their lifetime. Of course it will need to be updated and revised since each of us is a work in progress and subject to constant change.

Second, there is never a time when you aren't building a “you” in their mind. (You cannot, not communicate.) Since the building process is time and energy consuming you are either building a stronger and better relationship or their “image of you” is fading (dying). If it took time and energy to build the relationship you will have to spend time and energy to continue the process. Somehow, we have come to believe that once established it is like a sturdy building and will be there forever. That will eventually lead to fights, affairs, diverging interests and divorce.

So what is the most likely answers to this problem? 1) Recognition that life and relationships are processes and the process is only finished when one of you dies. 2) If you hope to build on similar interests and goals you will have to spend the time and energy necessary to pursue interests together, try new and different things together, and continue to repeat the shared interests that brought you two together in the first place. 3) If you are spending more time with a professional colleague than you are with your significant other, then it is very likely that the person and environment that you're building in your mind will be in conflict with the world you built with your significant other. It just may be true that “When you're away from the one you love, you love the one you're near.”

An excellent reason for early and continual discussions about personal and professional goals and how they should, or should not be pursued. An excellent reason for selecting a profession that will allow you to maintain what you have so painstakingly created over an extended period of time. An excellent reason to recognize that it may not really be possible to do anything to which you set your mind.

Nonverbal

“How many times do I have to tell you that I love you?” One of the things we should examine is, “Why is this person asking over and over again do you love me?” There are several possible reasons.

Instead of letting your frustration burst out, think about what they are saying or at least what you think they are saying. They may be saying that, “If you really loved me you would be around more often and longer.” They could also be saying, “I hear what you say to me, but I don’t hear an adequate explanation why you can love me.” Probably the first of these two explanations is the most important.

The reason is simple: time. Time and your use of it says a huge amount about who you are and what you value. People spend most of their time doing what they prefer to do. When they aren’t spending time the way they want to, they usually complain loud and long. If you love someone and you don’t choose to spend time with them, then they have a right to wonder about your real feelings.

In our society there are several things that attempt to make demands on our time: work/professional, pursuit of pleasures, use of available time if there is any. The first use of time is important in our middle American culture. There is a fairly strong temptation for us to think that work and professional lives are important. In fact, in many cases, the work loads of many Americans makes their interpersonal relationships difficult. This may force us to make ethical decisions about how we want to live our lives. Is it about your career or is it about you family/significant other?

In the pursuit of pleasures we may be abusive to those we think we love the most. Even if non-professional time should pop up, do we seek to spend it with those we love, or do we pursue pleasures that may be self-centered. Think about time and how you use it. It is an extremely important device for saying things to people around. Make certain that you are saying what you intend to say by your use of time.

Keep in mind that nonverbal is more believable than verbal. Both are necessary.

Words Well Chosen

“The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.” That thought passed on to us by Mark Twain tells us something we’ve told ourselves a thousand times: “Next time, think before you open your mouth.”

We often confuse the brief pause that should precede a thoughtful response with ignorance rather than intelligence. The first thing we need to do is put our childhood competition to be fastest at everything behind us and adopt a different pattern—think before you speak. Several things will then be possible.

1) Who are they?
2) What did they say?
3) What are the most likely possibilities they are talking about?
4) Why are they talking about that now?
5) Why are they talking to me about that?
6) What are the possible things I could say?
7) What would be the best way to say them to this person?

Your brain with a bit of practice can handle all of that very quickly. Then when you open your mouth, it is less likely that you will simply insert your foot. You need to persuade your brain that brief pauses are not indications of stupidity. Indeed, it is quite the opposite. That pause should you the opportunity to decide what needs to be said and give you a pretty good idea of how best to say it.

One last question could/should be added to the list above. Ask appropriate questions before you respond. Be certain that you know what is being discussed. Remember, your brain may still be in the mode if was just moments before this new situation came up. It could be that your brain will interpret what is being said in light of what you have been thinking rather than the new context. Relax . . .take your time and avoid putting your foot in your mouth as often.

Reframing Is Good

If something in your background doesn’t make you pause and then at times withdraw, you are the exception. These seemingly small events in our lives can reshape it if we’re not aware and careful. One of the tools for moving past thes “unfortunate experiences” is useful. To reframe an experience may save you a great deal of grief.

In the book Communication: Principles of a Lifetime, by Beebe, Beebe and Ivy, the authors remind us that what it means to reframe. “Try to look at experiences and events, especially those that can cause you to lose self-esteem, from a different point of view. Keep the larger picture in mind, rather than focusing on one isolated, negative incident.”

For example, someone asked you to speak at an event and for one reason or another you feel to this day that the event was terrible and damaging to you. It makes no difference that you were only 14 years old and that probably nobody remembers what happened but you. You’re not about to put yourself into a position where you could cause yourself that much pain again.

Reframe—think about your life. Have there been positive changes in the way you live and think? Have you done things that other folk admire and wish that they could do as well? What have your friends said about the event and the progress you have made in life? Review the things you’ve learned. What did you wish you had done? Have you attempted even when alone in the shower to do the things of which you’ve thought? Do you believe that given the same circumstance as you had before you could now do it better than you did?

Are you willing now to think about what you wish you had done and then practice. What you will find is that you end up giving yourself a break (and who deserves one any more than you do) and you’ve made progress toward broadening your abilities. At least you should be able to reframe the situation so that you can see that you do indeed have the ability necessary and that you are much better prepared now to handle this type of situation.

A Two-Way Street

Communication is a two-way street and our goal should be to make maximum use of communication. When we feel better (increased self-esteem) because of something said to us we need to be ready to help those around us with how they feel (increased self-esteem). As we must admit, we find out about who we are from those we travel with. That is the reason we should change our friends as soon as we realize that those “friends” are not committed to positively building you into what you can be.

It is only reasonable that we in turn search for and take advantage of every opportunity to build our friends up. Not to be confused with saying things that aren’t true in an effort to build them in the direction we would like. It has got to be a really evil person about which you can find nothing good to say. Travel with good people and make them better because they are traveling with you. You will be building a relationship that should last a lifetime. You will be better than you could have been without them and so will they.

Relationships are ever so much more than “You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.” It is very likely the most important work you will do during your life.

Friendship

This is seemingly a simple concept. But, like the word love it is abstract and has many possible definitions. Friends are important because they provide us with balance when we need it, insight when we must have it, support when we might give up, and belief in our value when even we may have lost it and it never ends. Friends are forever.

This definition is attributed to Aristotle: a friend is “a soul that resides in two bodies.” A friend is an individual that knows you and wouldn’t abandon you even if you tried to ditch them. They are sometimes parents, brothers, sisters, significant others and spouses. Because they know us so well, they find listening to be possible when otherwise we might have to pay a professional to listen to us. They know us so well that they cannot be fooled into thinking that we have given up on some of our goals. They know us so well that they can diagnose and nurse us back to the individual we had hoped to become.

We need friends. But, friends take time. They have to have the opportunity to learn all about us and that takes time. Once you have a friend you must maintain that friendship and that takes time. And if you are lucky enough to have a friend they merit your friendship. And that takes time. In short, for many of us, our lifestyle doesn’t allow for friends only acquaintances. As long as your company is productive for them acquaintances will stick around. As soon as you become a problem they’re gone.

Don’t confuse the two and make the time to build and maintain friendships. That’s the best life insurance you can have.

Ethics and Actions

“The right act can be identified as the one causing the greatest good and the immoral act as the one impeding it.” (Sahakian, William S. & Sahakian, Mabel Lewis. Ideas of the Great Philosophers. pg 31. Barnes and Noble Books (1993). ISBN 9781566192712)

The concept of ethics should be powerful at all times as we attempt to shape ourselves and the world around us to best fit the situations in which we find ourselves. The ethical solutions we discover will come from a wide base of sources and cannot be confined to what any one source believes to be true, right and proper. And as we grow, shift and change, we must keep in mind that what once seemed to be “safe and profound” may shift in values, causing us to shift in values. This is a lifelong task.

The reason for its importance is simple. We are going to communicate from a shifting platform of awareness to others who will receive the communication from a shifting platform. The reason for the shifting platforms is easy: the more we experience and lean from, the greater the potential changes in all of us. That reminds me of a conversation once reported to me that went something like this.

He said, “Are you sure?”
I said, “Positive!”
He said, “Only fools are positive.”
I said, “Are you sure?”
He said, “Positive!”

One of the important things we spend our early lives learning is our culture. Our culture is taught to us first by mom and then dad and then everybody else around us on a regular basis. After a few years we go to school and suddenly we discover that not everybody does or says the same things. What a shock. Often we assume that the way we do it is correct and the way they do it is wrong. That often leads to problems in a few years.

DeVito definition: “Culture consists of the beliefs, ways of believing and artifacts of a group. By definitions, culture is transmitted through communication and learning rather than genes.”

If we take any of this seriously we should proceed with caution every time we communicate, because even within families where “the same culture” was taught, we find differences. In our modern world we have very dissimilar cultures living and working together all the time. Since we should be looking for ”the greatest good” when we communicate we need as much preparation time as is available.

So, What's Your Prediction?

There are those that say that we, as a nation, have never come to grips with our own history. We indeed did own and build an economy on the backs of slaves. Later, after a war between the states those slaves were "freed." But, often it is said that because we haven't come to grips with our own history, we can't seem to move past thinking of the decendents of slaves as being inferior and unworthy.

Men and women live together in our nation and according to much that I have been taught over the years, both should be awarded according to the benefits of their efforts equally. Yet, there is a continual problem. woman make 80% of what men make doing the same kind of work. After about a decade women are making 69% of what men make doing the same kind of work.

Let's hope those two assumptions are incorrect, but if they are correct how can we use that information to predict the outcome of a presidential election? Take the first assumption that suggests that as a nation we have not come to grips with our "experiment" with slavery. If these ex-slaves are indeed inferior, why would we vote for one? If we feel badly about how these slaves were treated, why would we give them the power to do unto us what we have done to them? Put another way, if we no longer talk about our past actions and in fact do not wish to admit any complicity in those actions why would we vote for someone that might overturn a culture that was worked well for at least part of our society?

I I really do hope that the second assumption is incorrect about women not being paid what they should be for doing the work they do. But, if that is correct, why would we vote for a woman giving someone we have short changed in a number of ways the power to overturn our culture and possibly reversing the tables?

My guess would be that the outcome of the next presidential election may make it impossible or nearly impossible for an ex-slave or a woman to win. Not because they are incapable of great leadership, but because we aren't certain that we want to follow the leadership of those that might be tempted to get even with us.

Just a thought. What do you think? Please comment.

Nonverbal Communication

“We respond to gestures with an extreme alertness and, one might say, in accordance with an elaborate and secret code that is written nowhere, known by none, and understood by all.” This concept written by Eduard Sapir contains a great deal of truth.

We often respond to people when we are still a considerable distance from them. We say things like: “Hey, do you know who that is?” “What are they doing here?” “Why are police officers walking all around here. Should I be concerned?”

We ask those questions because of a desire/need to know what is happening and the possibility that we might become involved. In spite of the fact that moms and dads are our first and best teachers, we can’t recall any lessons in nonverbal communication but are attempting to make use of it anyway.

We know that we use nonverbal communication all the time, trying to decide where to go and what to do. We too often think that others aren’t making use of nonverbal communication. Our dress, actions and general “isolation” from others indicates that we don’t really think they are using nonverbal communications and making judgments on what to do next based on their interpretations. Those interpretations must be inaccurate.

Those interpretations must be inaccurate because we don’t have enough information to form accurate explanations. We see things, such as a person we suspect doesn’t have enough money to afford the Porsche they’re driving on a regular basis. We decide that the car must belong to a parent, uncle or maybe they’re drug dealers. The more we think about how they act the more convinced that they really are drug dealers. When all is said in done, nonverbal communications are ambiguous and we need to think about them more often and more carefully than we do.

Who Am I

The fact is that each of us are a process and are constantly changing. The scary part is that we change in part by the influence of people around us. That makes it critical that we choose our friends with great care. You can't choose your parents or other relatives and they have a huge impact on who you think you are.

When you surround yourself with individuals who are honest, capable and willing to spend time with you then you have an excellent start on becoming a person that will be successful. Of course, both you and those around you define success. That definition leads to a longterm process of goal setting which leads to the satisfaction of "success."

The heart of the situation is that we can't tell how effective we are without the aid of others to keep us informed and make suggestions. These people become a series of "mirrors" for us to use to check our performance. As our communications improve we can establish longer term goals. But as long as there is life in us we will be setting goals and attempting to reach them because life is a process and so is communication.

Here's an example: you see someone and say to yourself, "I would really like to know that person better." You set a goal for yourself to spend some time with them letting them know a little about you and at the same time learn a little about them. If they are willing, you have just learned something about yourself. Every situation can lead you to improve your communication skills leading to achievement of goals.

This is a really round about way to say that we should always be learning about communication and we should always be applying what have learned to every day life. That way, we can use those things which work and avoid those things that simple don't work for us.

Breaking Out

Awareness of our communication is always going to be a problem. Assumptions are many and are almost always incorrect. For example, someone reports that you didn't seem too happy when you were told that our vacation plans were going to change. Your position is simple, since I can't do anything about the change in plans, why say anything. So, as you recall the situation, you didn't say anything.

Here's a problem: communication is inescapable. We may not have "said" anything using our words, but we may have said a whole lot with our nonverbal communication. We actually believe that since we didn't "say" anything you can't know that we have been frustrated by a change in plans. Of course we can be misinterpreted, because nonverbal communication is extremely ambiguous, but the more others know about us the less ambiguous our nonverbal communications are.

Another problem: communication is irreversible. We can't take back the verbal or nonverbal communication. It is already in other people's minds and not even they can get rid of it. In fact, the more you try to remove the communication the more likely it is that it will be recalled.

Indeed, communication is complicated. Games like poker can be played more successfully if you are able to hide your nonverbal communication. Some of us seem to be transparent and couldn't keep a secret if our lives depended on it. Some of us "have a way with words" and always seem able to say just the right thing. The more attention we pay to our communication and the better we listen to communications the more likely it is that we can reduce the consequences of being "trapped in our own skin."

Trapped Inside

Some of the more obvious things about life are often overlooked. We're born, but can't recall being asked to be born. We're alive and soon we are expected to take care of ourselves in nearly all aspects of our lives. When we're born we have no language skills and we don't know most of the rules for successful living. We are wholly dependent on others for most things until we finally are "allowed" (another word might be "forced") to assume responsibility for living a life we didn't ask for in the first place.

Looked at from that point of view, life might seem bleak. On the other hand, there are a great many things about life that are fantastic. If we are willing to learn how many of them are achievable during our lifetime. Most of what we need is the indirect support of others who are in the same position we are. It can be argued that a successful life is made up of learning and adapting.

Communication in all its forms is at the heart of learning and adapting. In fact, being able to think is heavily dependent on communication. As we move through our lives we need to be able to let others know what is going on inside of us and allow them to see what is going on inside of them. In a very real sense, we are trapped inside without communication skills. As our skills increase we gain more and more freedom from the restrictions our bodies started off with at the beginning of life. Communication is worth any time and effort we can spend learning and practicing. Learn and apply until we're dead. The other choice is to remain captive, trapped inside.

Communicating to Survive

Since it is likely that I will be unable to maintain this blog until the first of February, I need to review what Communicating to Survive is about. It is enormously simple from one point of view and enormously complicated from another point of view.

First, the simple view: we all have certain goals and through communications we can achieve those goals. The goals are:

1) to live with the person of our choice.
2) to live in the community of our choice,
3) to work at the job of our choice,
4) to work at the level of our choice and
5) to work at the pay of our choice.

As with all goals, depending on a wide range of variables, we may achieve them with ease or with great difficulty. This discussion is the beginning of a trip through some ideas that should make achieving these goals more likely.

From the complicated point of view, this process will require our attention for the remainder of our lives. To not pay attention to the details of effective communication will slow or even stop the process toward our goals.

Here are some basic assumptions that will be discussed.

1) Every person is unique if for no other reason than the genes that make us come together in a unique fashion constructing a unique body. For example, two people in the same family can take a medication and have different results. You might reason that since they are from the same family their reaction should have been the same. But experience indicates that members of the same family have different bodies and minds depending on what the genes from mom and dad accomplish within our body. One more example, you study hard and your brother or sister spends half the time and has a higher GPA.

2) Our experiences in life are different. One of the main reasons for that is we are wrapped in our skin and view the world from that point of view. Even when we travel together we are seeing the world from a slightly different point of view. That doesn’t even consider that fact that your eyes and ears work better than mine since your genes built them differently from mine. But, I make take pride that I’m stronger than you are.

3) We are limited on channels of communication. We might be able to use reflected light, sound waves and touch, but again our bodies are different and we can’t be certain that what we have experienced and now named will be understood the same way by the other person. I wear glasses and you don’t need to. I can eat anything and intend to and not put on weight. You pass by a donut shop and gain 5 pounds. Your view and mine about food is bound to be different. I love blue cheese and you can’t stand it. Again our genes have an impact and now another consideration—culture. What I have gotten out of my cultural exposure is different.

4) One of the best tools for communication is the creation of common ground. Doing things and thinking things together gives us additional insights into one another. That is not the same as saying that we agree on everything. The more time (a communication device) we spend together the easier it is for us to predict the others behavior. The middle American culture makes every effort to limit the amount of time we spend together doing the same interactive things. Work, entertainment, other folk and computers to name a few, tend to keep us from spending time with one another.

Did I mention that the second view point is much more complicated? It is what Communicating to Survive will be discussing.

Now, Is That Ethical?

That’s a question that should be on our mind all the time. Within the context of speech presentation it is very important. Since all speech is limited to time available, you must take into consideration what your purpose is and how best to achieve it given the audience you are addressing.

Somewhat easier in the case of the informational presentation: what need you say in providing adequate information to allow the listener(s) to understand? Your purpose is to instruct, you are a teacher and when you are finished your “students” will have acquired information that they can understand and use. With this type of presentation is the sharing of information. (Keep in mind that all information has a biasing quality.)

In the case of persuasive presentation there are additional concerns such as, because of time constraints am I favoring (leaning toward coercion) one side of this issue over the other? Is the presentation fair and balanced? This can be a problem. When you “know you are right” and you believe that it is in the best interests of your audience to agree with you, there will be a temptation to lean toward coercion. Here’s the problem: in the long run you want to be effective so you have already adopted the concept of always telling the truth. (Once spotted lying the listener will always be suspicious.) Once caught coercing (unethically attempting to control others behavior) listeners will always be suspicious. In a lifetime, it is not worth the risk to coerce.

Back to the time available when using the persuasive presentation: you must be fair and balanced to the best of your abilities in order to maintain your effectiveness. Since you feel this constraint you must take great care in the selection and presentation of all materials. You never can mention, let alone discuss all of the data that can be part of your presentation—there isn’t enough time.

To better understand the problem consider what has happened to the current administration in Washington DC over the last few years. They have moved from a position that was very close to “If you say so, it must be true,” to “Didn’t you tell us that Iraq had WMD and it turned out that they didn’t?”

Damaged credibility is difficult (impossible) to repair. Build your credibility carefully over the years and do nothing to damage it. Remain fair and balance in all presentations.